Tuesday, December 29, 2009


I sorta have baby fever. Every baby I see makes me go awwwww and every preggo belly makes me jealous. But when I daydream about getting a baby it isnt about being pregnant. I imagine meeting with a mom who cant keep her baby.I imagine being handed a baby I didnt make. I even have these real dreams about finding a baby. this happens all the time. Have you ever had a day dream stir you to tears? Can you read adoption blogs without crying? Have you ever had the feeling that you have another child, but you just havent met them yet? I do all the time. Adoption. The crazy mysterious word that is haunting me. Scary bank account numbers are the other. I know God can reconcile all things. I guess job hunting may be a place to start. Just sticking it out there.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Blog post 250

250 blog posts on this blog. That doesn't seem like that many, but then again I've been writing this blog, or the one before it since Ayden was a baby. Six years of blog writing. So much. I feel like 250 should be special somehow. Like I should do something new and exciting as far as blogging, but my creative edge is aparently dull right now. My camera charger is missing so I have no camera at the moment. No new pictures to post. So I guess I'll just tell you about today.

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my husbands step-father. I still cant believe an entire year has gone by. We still miss him and it makes me wish we lived further north to be with my mother in law and D. I hate that we live so far away from most of our family, but no matter where we live we would live far away from someone else. Maybe we should move to Nebraska and call us the central location.

Today my husband is working his first major job solo. Its kinda a big deal. He was nervous and had to sleep in his truck (not that uncommon) last night. At this point there is no way to know if he will be done for Christmas or not. Christmas will wait for him.

Today my first born is watching it snow in Colorado. He is surrounded by people who love him and cherish him, and yet I feel like he is all alone and needs his mommy. I'm fighting the urge to jump in my car and drive the 24 hours just to hug him. He is happy. This is all just my head talking. Or is it my heart?

Today I will bake a cake for Christmas. Not a happy birthday Jesus cake, just a Christmas cake. I'm not a big fan of trivializing Christmas into a cake and happy birthday song. Birthdays are frivilous. Markers to watch the passing of time and to celebrate the past. My Jesus LIVES. He was, he is and will always be. He is not just getting another year older. Christmas is the Advent, the coming, of our KING. I'm not going to bake a birthday cake for the King, I'm going to prepare myself for the Kingdom. He came, yes, as a baby. He came in humility and probably never had a birthday cake in his life. He promised to return, and that is why I celebrate Christmas. Because all the pain, all the tears, all of the horrible-ness of this world that causes Dads to die and families to live in three different states and daddies to sleep in theri trucks because work is so hard and mothers to have to send their babies across the country because of her past mistakes.. all those things will be wiped away. He promised. He is coming. And I'm sorry, but I dont think a birthday party for Jesus can express that.

So today i'm going to pray. I'm going to pray and prepare. I'm going to prepare my heart for Jesus. I'm going to prepare my home for my husbands return and my sons return. I'm going to prepare my car for travel and my two year old for his day.

Today I'm going to post my 250th blog post. In all its imperfect blogginess.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Why we celebrate Hanukah and why I think you should as well

Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah
Hanukkah, Oh Hanukkah, come light the Menorah
Let's have a party, we'll all dance the hora
Gather round the table, we'll all have a treat
dreidles to play with, and latkes to eat.

And while we are playing
The candles are burning bright
One for each night, they shed a sweet light
To remind us of days long ago.
One for each night, they shed a sweet light
To remind us of days long ago.

I have to admit, when I first started dating my husband five years ago, and even before that, for the two years we were little more than pen pals, his "Jewishness" fascinated me. It was all so different, and foreign. Over the past few years, especially since he became a Christian we together have found some amazing bridges between the two cultures. Bridging the culture gap isn't so difficult. Everyone loves a festive, beautiful tree, and who would love a latke given the chance to try one? Seriously.. you eat fried potatoes all the time anyway... season it up, flatten it into a pancake and eat it with applesauce and sour cream.. you get bliss. Especially when it has been prepared by my mother in law!

The gap that gets a little more difficult to bridge is the "religious" one. How do you balance a household that seems to have two opposing beliefs? I've read many books on this, and some of my favorites are by a man named Stan Telchin. He, Jew, had a daughter go off to college and return a Christian.His response was to learn and study and ask as many people as many questions as he could. He wanted to prove that she was brainwashed. He instead found Jesus.

At this time of year there is a lot of talk about peace. Peace that in reality does not exist in our world. We can go shopping and max out credit cards to fill the space under our trees (and in our hearts). We can turn bitterabout the unbalance of respect for both faiths and fly to Hawaii to avoid the whole season... But what if we all, Jews and Christians alike took a moment to understand each others faith, and instead of battling against each others holidays.. what if we celebrated them both??

Here is a list of why I think Christians should celebrate Hanukkah. I would make one the other way around, but am afraid this list is going to do enough offending for the day.

1. Although from the moment of Christ's birth there has been tension between the two faiths, and horrible horrible atrocities have been committed by greedy power seeking peoples in the name of a "christian god" we ultimately are the two leading religions in America. We stream from the same foundation. We serve the very same God. We boast the same ten commandments in our homes and tell our children of the very same Abraham, Moses, Daniel and David. We even teach some of the same songs to our children. Imagine my surprise when my husband knew more verses of the song "Father Abraham, had many sons,many sons had father Abraham..." than I did. For religious Jews we face a common enemy. The same bleak loss of faith is haunting both of our communities. The same efforts to turn to the self for Glory and away from our true King is rotting out both of our congregations. We need to support each other. Christians.. dare I remind you that scripture points out that it is a Jewish army from the tribes of Israel that God will use to fight the battles in the final days? We need each other. We need to let go of prejudices from BOTH sides and move forward together. We need to protect our faiths from dilution and the incorporation of "feels good" philosophies.

2. Hanukkah is more historical than Christmas. BLASPHEMY.... or is it? Actually, Hanukkah has been celebrated since around 165 BC. Israel had been taken over by the Seleucid empire,leftovers from Alexander the Great. Hellenists. Menelaus,a non Jew, was places as high priest over the Jews, a sacred position reserved for Levites, and the temple was defiled. It became unlawful to hold Jewish feats , to circumcise or even to sacrifice. A small group of Jews, led by Judah Maccabee, decided to fight back. Using guerrilla tactics they eventually won back their temple, but upon arrival did not have enough sacred oil to keep the lamps lit. To what purpose is rededicating a temple when you cant do it in a Holy way? The process for making anything kosher is long and extensive, and to make the oil pure for the temple took approximately eight days. Amazingly, God allowed one days worth of oil to burn for eight. He not only freed his people from the cultural washing of their faith (much like what we face today), but through his miraculous provision, he allowed the temple to be a holy place again,even when they could not provide it themselves. How like our God huh? Every time things get tough he provides a way out, a Holy way out. A way that brings Him glory, and brings us Light. The story, the tradition has changed very little over the thousands of years it has existed.

3. By understanding Jewish tradition, we as Christians understand our faith even better. Even the New Testament makes reference to Hanukkah. John 10:22 Jesus is in full force action during his ministry. He is traveling everywhere, but returns to Jerusalem for the "Feast of Dedication" HANUKKAH. He returns to the temple, not just any day of the week, but during the very feast that recognizes the Holiness of the temple, of His people, and of our God.A feast that remembers that God will provide a way to keep his temple Holy, no matter what. Jesus was not beating around the bush. Back in chapter 8 we can read that Jesus had already been telling people "I am the light of the world." He returned to Jerusalem during the festival of lights to once again restore light to the Temple, but this time not from oil. From He himself. Now do you see why they were so very angry? Why they would want to stone him ?(vs 10:31). He was deliberately revealing himself and causing dissension between His followers and those who refused to believe. "You do not believe because you are not my sheep. My sheep listen to my voice, I know them and the follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish,no one can ever snatch them from my hand." (10:26-28). We as Christians celebrate the promises that God will rebuild his Temple,that we ourselves are that Temple. That because of the sacrifice of Jesus we are able to be that temple. We believe that he will return and make all things new. That the temple will be rededicated. That WE will be redicated.

So celebrate. Personally I do it by lighting beautiful candles and eating yummy food. Because my King has established his Temple. My King is not dead nor sleeping, and he is keeping all of His candles burning bright... if we don't blow them out.

A note to my Jewish Reader: please do not let this offend you.I mean no disrespect. I honestly believe that even if you don't believe Jesus is the Messiah, that the Messiah you are waiting for WILL come, he is on his way. Please don't forget that! Don't let worldly influences damage your faith or weaken your beliefs. Keep yourself Holy, and seek to follow the Law. I pray that you will ask questions though, and consider for yourself if the prophesies of Isaiah were pointing towards Jesus. If you choose not to, I still consider you family. We serve the same God, may his peace be with you in this season. May the festival of lights bring you joy and remind you that our God is a God of love and miracles, that he loves you enough to keep the candles lit. 165 B.C.E. or today.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Gingerbread time

One of my FAVORITE holiday traditions is to make, on my own, a gingerbread house. We all decorate and eat icing and candy and have a BLAST. Here is my recipe;

1cup butter, softened
1cup brown sugar
1cup molasses
4 cups flour ( i sometimes add up to 1/2 extra cup to keep my dough tough for houses)
1 teaspoon baking soda
1tablespoon ground ginger
1tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1teaspoon ground cloves
dash of salt

For cookies,mix butter and sugar until fluffy. add dry ingredients a little at time until just blended. Roll into two or three balls, wrap in saran wrap and set in fridge overnight or for an hour at least. Roll to 1/4 inch thich and cut out shapes. Bake at 350 for about 10 minutes. Will still be soft when taken from oven! They get harder s they cool.

To make a gingerbread house;
Make a house out of paper in the shape you desire, use this as your pattern for your cookies. You can make a simple shape with five squares and two rectangles the same width. Take one square and cut in half,place this triangle point up on top of a square to make the front and back of the house. Use rectangles for the roof.

use same recipe for cookies, but mix longer to allow gluten to startmaking the dough tougher. Soft gingerbread is not desireable for a house! Bake a about 300 for a little longer as well. you want your house hard so the icing doesnt make it "melt."

1. Cut out squares before baking in what will be the sides of your house, or door ect. Crush up life savers or any hard clear candy and sprinkle into the square after you have moved it to a baking sheet. When baking, it will melt and fill the hole and then cool hard again, making a "glass" window. Use those nifty flameless candles under your house to make your house come alive!
2. I use foil on my baking sheets to make moving my house to a cooling rack easier. do not move off rack until completely cool. It will be soft until cool and liable to give you a Dr. Seuss house!
Have fun and dont worry about the mess! a beautifully swwet gingerbread house is worth the mess any day!


"glue" icing

two room temp egg white, 1 teaspoon cream of tartarand about two cups of powdered sugar. Useing a wisk attachment beat eggwhites until fluffy with the cream of tartar. Add in sugar slowly until you get to a nice thick consistency. You can always add a teaspoon of water if it gets too thick.

"decorator" icing
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup crisco
1/2 bag powdered sugar
1 tsp clear vanilla or almond extract

Use glue icing to hold up the walls. they will need lots of time. I find cans from the pantry work well as"supports" to keep the walls up while building. Assemble four walls first and after fully set do roof one piece at a time.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

First Snow

Last week was tough on me. Its amazing how grief will sneak up on you. I was missing so many people places and things, and fell into a pity party for myself. When we did not get the forcasted "major weather event" that I knew we would not get I was still very disapointed. I'm not really sure why. I miss Colorado sometimes somuch. I remember as a child after we moved to Texas missing the mountains and the snow.Its no different as an adult. I understand why I cant live there right now. I am grateful for my husbands job and the career path he is on and great schools, no income tax, low car insurance rates, cheaper living expenses... ect. Texas has its benefits, but this Colorado girl misses snow. There is something so magical about the changing of the seasons, something so healthy about heat turning into cold. Rain turning into snow. The silence of snow is one of my favorite sounds, and the way the air smells so crisp and fresh and new is my favorite smell. When I started CSU I quickly discovered the magic of snow and especially of first snow. It is something fairy tales are made of. And with that I imagined that like a princess something wonderful would happen if I could get a kiss on first snow. It didnt happen to my 18 year old self and still has not happened to my 28 year old self. Nope. Not even after four years of marriage. True I've only seen a real snow once in the past three years. So clearly my sweet husband is not to blame. I've been learning lately that life is so much better than a fairy tale if you will let it be. On Saturday Lucas was able to leave the job site for about 36 hours... enough time to come home and rest and play Christmas. Being unsure of how the timing would work out and knowing it was an absolute possibility that he would be gone past Christmas I was soo relieved to have him for even that short amount of time. Especially after my crummy emotional week. When he got home he had a little something for me....

He brought me first snow.

He brought me a kiss.

We spent the evening shivering in the low 30's at a local Christmas in the Park, with lights, caroling, brass players, hay rides and hot cocoa. It was magic. It was a first snow to always be remembered.

I love you Lucas.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Convicted, and blessed

As usual, God had a plan and I let the liar convince me it was wrong. I've been wanting to do advent with my family this year. Advent simply means "coming". Christians celebrate the Advent season as the weeks before and right after Christmas to dedicate as a reminder that our Messiah CAME and promised that he will return. We celebrate not presents and santa, but the coming of our King!! The presents just reflect the joy. When I was a teenager I babysat a little girl and her family did a formal advent. They had a great little book and a sweet wreath with candles and on each Sunday they would do a reading and light the candles. I've wanted to do a version of this for my family, and sometimes we have. I don't remember last year, but I know we have done advent in simple ways almost every year. THIS year I was determined and felt prompted to do something with our Jesus Storybook Bible. If you don't own this, go buy it today... whether you have kids or not. Whether you believe in Jesus or not. It is the most amazing retelling of the story. THE Gospel. The Good news that we have a rescuer and he is on his way to save his beloved... and we are that beloved! Anyway. This afternoon, while it was not snowing, I sat down ready to work on my little project. I opened up an email from our Bossier church and saw that they are doing a formal advent. I got sad because it made me miss worshiping with them so much more. I looked at it again a bit later and realized that there was a link to a dedicated advent program through another church. I looked it up, and guess what they use as a supplement? That's right. The Jesus Storybook Bible. (Because it rocks). So when I tried to open it up it wouldn't and by then my funk of self pity was too dense to even attempt to break through. I needed to cry. So I did. Tonight, after grumping around for hours and getting short with my kids and eating too many Madeleine's my hubby called. And guess what. He is on his way home. Well sorta, he has to spend the night there and then check into a new hotel tomorrow, but tomorrow night he will be home!! I just rechecked the church's website and the download worked and it is PERFECT. We are technically a week behind, but if we do the readings on our own schedule weekly, Christmas Eve and finish on Christmas day it works out. So yay. I'm reminded of the scripture that encompasses this entire year. Mathew 7:9 says "If your child asks you for bread, would any of you give him a stone?" We have asked for so much this year, but we know He will provide. Every time He, in His glory, has given us much more than a stone. Today I needed to trust that. No, he didn't give me snow... but tomorrow I get to take my FAMILY to the Christmas in the Park event. WE get to drink hot cocoa and take a hay ride and sing carols. Even if it is only one night, we are squeezing Christmas out of this month! Snow or no snow, daily time with my husband or not, this Advent will not be wasted!!!

I miss...

Corporate Advent, Corporate worship period, my bible study, my moms group, traffic on Airline (100 percent easier than driving with five bazillion 19 year old aggies and their giant trucks and iphones), seeing stars at night, aspen in the fall in Colorado, cherry cider from that place on the road to Estes, impromptu worship nights with my girls, friends, friends with coffee, my husband, Lins kitchen, Monjunis, a size 12,(an nope im not acknowledging the restraunt/size 12 connection) my grandparents, Jim . I miss more, but im not going any further. there is so much to miss this time of year. So many reasons to feel sad. Lucas is gone and worse than that we have no idea when he will come home. Might be as early as next Friday, but might be 2010(seriously). This year reminds me of last year. I am avoiding wrapping presents because I was doing that, and enjoying Christmas shows when my mother in law called me last year to tell us that our beloved Papa Jim had died. He was such a joy to know. I know that for the Tilsens he was a later arrival, meeting Judy when Lucas was allready almost a teenager, but I met him at the same time I met the rest of them, and he was such a comfort to me. Everything seemed foreign and strange up there... but Jim made me feel ok. Like I could belong even if my family does march in the opposing picket lines. He made me fit in, and I miss him.
We've been tortured all week with bored weathermen predicting a major "weather event"... whatever. Remember when I was 7 months preggo and it snowed like three feet and we were stuck in the house for several days? That is a major weather event. This is called sleet. And not even the dangerous kind.
I think when it comes down to it I'm lonely, and then I feel guilty for being lonely because I know that its a GIFT that I get to be here, that I get to be lonely. Six months of unemployment means I shouldnt be complaining. But I miss my friends. And making gingerbread houses with them and singing songs with someone other than myself. Stinky non snow day.. why did you have to put me in a funk?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Please Pray

Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village church in Highland Village, Tx (North of Dallas) will be having surgery tomorrow on a brain tumor. They do not know of any malignacy yet. I know what I know from google searches. http://adrianwarnock.com/2009/12/matt-chandler-to-have-brain-surgery-for.html had some good info and a great challenge for us to pray and then to go listen to a pod cast or you tube video of Matt doing what he does best, changing lives. I know he changed mine. I know he gave my husband an amazing kick off on his Christian journey. We were at the village as visitors off and on for two years. I loved the church, but we knew we went living there for long and although that stretched into two years, and I now regret not plugging in more there are words that live in my heart and lead me to my King on a regular basis thanks to Matt. Phrases such as "Jesus wants the rose" and "on this side of the sun" have profound meaning to me. He was even the first pastor I EVER heard speak on the words Jesus said on the cross "Why have you forsaken me" and point out that it was what Jesus always did, point his people to the prophesies of who he was. Look in your bible. If you have a reference bible it will show you that in Mark 15:33 Jesus is refering to Psalm 22. I grew up being told by lazy preachers that this meant that God turned away from Jesus, abandoned him becaus the sin was too ugly to look upon. That when I sin I am too ugly for God to see. Not. True. God sees us sin and all and loves us sin and all and wants us sin and all so he can make us new. This psalm talks about being in the midst of the enemy, seemingly overcome. "I am a worm, and not a man, scorned by men and despised by people" (vs6) "Many bulls surround me" (12) "they have pierced my hands and feet" (16) "They divide my garments among them and cast lots for my clothing" (18) "BUT you oh Lord are not far off" (19) "From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly, before those who fear you will I fulfill my vows" (25) "They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn- for he has done it." FOR HE HAS DONE IT. I dont know what God is going to do with Matts earthly body in the near future or distant future. We can beseech that he be spared so he can continue teaching, continue this amazing movement amongst the church, amongst our generation. I will pray that prayer, for God is a healer. But His plan is perfect. If he needs to take Matt home to bring attention to all that God has already taught through Matts sermons and videos then Praise the Lord. If God spares him and alows him a long healthy life Praise God. Please pray for his family. They had two children when we were there. Please pray for his church family and the north Texas community that Matt means so much to. Please just pray. Pray and listen to a sermon.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Three Days

Today I am going shopping for a little bit with Balin.We have to go pay a bill and I want to go to Garden Ridge to get a few more half price napkins.. and maybe some dish towels. This afternoon I'm headed to an interview in College Station! A United Methodist church there has an opening for an Infant Lead teacher. The ad said "competitive pay and full benefits" I'm simplyhoping for cheap tuition and a flexible schedule. This probably means ayden will have to be enrolled in the after school program at his school which on one handmakes me sad, but on the other might actually be fun for him. I'm nervous about returning to work, but excited to get Balin back in a school environment. Iknow where Ayden was at this stage, and Balin simply isnt there. Plus he doesnt play with other kids very well and has been really really whiny lately. Hopefully this will all work out well for mommy and child :-). Tomorrow Lucas comes home and we load the bus...er truck and car. I'm taking cupckes up to aydens class to say goodbye. Friday morning Lucas and I will head to College Station to get our keys and officially take control of the house! YAY! THEN saturday and sunday are ablur I'm not yet ready to look at. So for now..... the next three days are on their way. Its time to get the short one ready for our outing! Hope everyone is having an awesome Wednesday.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Life... in motion

Lucas started his new job officially on Monday. They worked him hard all week and he will be on his way home soon today for a much needed weekend to catch his breath and get his bearings. The new company seems to be sorta like going from levis to a private designer label jeans. the fit is awesome... but completely different. For example, before they worked two weeks shifts with a three day break, everyone staggered out in different directions. There were five engineers under a manager. Here there are three engineers, and one of them is the manager. They work a five day work weeks and take weekends "off"... "off " meaning Sundays might be spent writing job proposals, and saturday mornings might be finishing Fridays work, but typically Friday night Lucas will get to come home and stay until Monday morning! Now the five days will be long and hard and unplannable, but to be able to atempt to make plans for each weekend is awesome! In this industry thats a feat! Also, the majority of his jobs will be close to home which lowers travel time, which increases home time. So all in all everything is going well! I have quite a to do list for myself. I need to get Ayden enrolled in his new school, get all my utilities set up and find out if my stuff in storage in shreveport got destroyed by the flooding this week or not. I need to reserve a uhaul... a big giant expensive one, and possibly open up a new bank account because we had to go with a LA bank while we were there and would like to get back to a normal, nationwide one soon. My brain is also going 100 miles an hour daydreaming about where to put my (hopefully not water logged) furniture in our NEW HOUSE. Its actually not new, and not really mine because were renting.. but we signed an 18 month lease so I get to claim it for a while! It has an incredble backyard for a patio home... lots of decks, some lawn and a lime tree... and chilli pepper and jalepeno plants just for fun. It has a great layout with the living room on the opposite side of the house from the bedrooms and a giant kitchen area. It has a few flaws because it was once PRIME real estate.. in 1985. Flaws as in this: my new bathtub.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009



As of this morning Lucas has been officially offered a job with a fracturing services company located in Bryan/ College Station (Texas)!! They are matching his pay he made before and giving him a company phone and vehicle. He has to pass a drug test before they can officially get him started.. but clearly that wont be a problem. Bryan??? I never ever ever in my life have considered living there. In fact, when college selections came around the very first one off my list was Texas A &M. I find the whole Aggie pride thing a bit creepy. (Which means no, I am not going to paint my life maroon). I love college towns though so we are looking forward to moving on and getting settled back into our life! A Life with great community and coffee shops. It feels so good to finally KNOW SOMETHING! God is good, and as painful as this has all been, we know he has Good things in store for us. Real things. Real Life. We are looking forward to a small community near the conviences of Austin, Waco and Houston. We are looking forward to a paycheck without a state income tax! Lower housing expenses! We will be at most two hours from my parents house which means weekend visits can actually be weekend visits and not half day -now we have to get back on the road- visits. We are soo excited:-). Praise the Lord!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Becky's Adoption!

Mark and Becky have a way for us to help them bring their baby home from Ethiopia! I was so excited to see this morning that not only has Mark done an awesome awesome awesome job with remaking their website but they have come up with a great way to raise money for their adoption. There are an estimated 143 million children without forever homes worldwide. Their goal? Make it 143 million MINUS 1. I love you friend. I'm praying that your bags sell out before I can buy some! ASAP I will be buying my own set.. I love the reusable bags anyway. there are SOOOO many uses for a lightweight reusable shopping bag. Road trips, car trash, beach days, pool days, storing winter hats and gloves, library books, toy sorting, laundry sorting, transporting food to a sick friends house, transporting food to your own house. You know you need some.. and these are so much cooler because they don't say "Kroger" or "walmart" :-). Instead they give a message of hope. Imagine the conversations that can be started while you stand in line with your Adoption bags! Click HERE and check out the sidebar to see how you can help!

Monday, October 12, 2009

Not Me! Monday

This blog carnival was created by Mcmama. Head on over to Mckmamas blog to check out hers and everyone elses too funny Not Me! Monday posts.

As for me. I did not give my two year old tin bits of chewing gum last night to keep him quiet during the baptism service at church. I would never give my two year old gum knowing he would swallow it. Ever. Nope. Not Me!

I did not gloat all weekend about scoring REALLY high on a specific game on facebook that my husband continually beats me at. I love and support my husband in all endeavours and would never celebrate the fact that I spent too much time trying to beat him at an online video game. Nope. Not Me!

I also have not consulted my magic eight ball several times today asking "will my husband get offered a job today?" "Will my husband get offered a job tomorrow?" "Thursday"? Nope I'm patient and calm in waiting on the Lord at all times. I also did not shake my magic eight ball (which happens to not be on an iphone) multiple times to get the answer I wanted to see.

I also did not curse under my breath when walking outside and getting sweaty this afternoon. Nope. I celebrate upper 80 degree temperatures in the middle of October. Who needs fall any way. Fall is for sissys who get to drink hot cider and take walks in crinkly leaves and wear sweaters. I would much rather swelter and enjoy my mud at a nice balmy 84. With 80 percent humidity. Good for the skin.


and thats all i've got for now.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

First Spar

Name my children

So lately I've decided I want to go MORE public with my blog, and LESS public with my children. So we need psudonyms. Good ones. The obviouse choice would be to go with a superman type theme. It just seems to fit us. Especially now that we really do live in Metropolis. But then what would mommy's name be? I'm not exactly a Lois Lane. Plus think of all the creepy things that could happen if people only happen on the blog b/c they google Superman. A thinks he should be "Spike". The short one.. well. so far he's just the short one. I want to start bravely posting on more of the blogs I lurk on. I'm finding some GREAT ones lately which have encouraged me so much. One in particular gave me a great idea for my nieces next birthday and showed me how to can applesauce, all in one day. Another made me pick up my guitar again, if only for a short time. So I'm taking suggestions.. which means you need to leave comments:-). You can do so annonymously you know. And if you don't have a blogger account, make one. It's super easy. You can do it.. promise. After I get some ideas together I'll make a poll! So come on.. come up with my super cool alter blog ego and you can win a whole lot of nothin. :-) It's a layoff doorprize :-).

Comments Go Here

Friday, September 18, 2009

He's a heartbreaker, heartbreaker...

I went to Parent information night last night for Ayden's class. We listened to a presentation on class schedules, routines and rules. She covered some of their material for the year.. expectations ect. But the big thing learned, and that I suspected, is that Ayden is quite popular... with the girls. Yep. He has been coming home with stickers and notes from girls on the bus, and in his desk was no less than ten different handwritten/colored pictures and notes from girls saying things like "you're the best" "I love you" and "I love you co mush" which I think meant "I love you so much." One of my friends form Bossier has a daughter a year younger than Ayden and she told her Mama the other night that Ayden is in her heart.

You know what? I can't blame them. I'm in love with those big blue eyes too.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Ground Zero

We are back to knowing nothing. Back to no leads... no interviews and no money. I'm beginning to realize that Surrender is a process. Physically we have surrendered. Everything is gone. Our friends, our home, our life as we knew it is now something that was. We didnt even bring our computer with us, so now even files I asume are hanging around somewhere are not. What I'm having trouble surrendering on is deeper than that though. This cty hold painful memories for me. Bridges burned, not only burned but completely ejected from my life. It represents to me who I was, not who I am. But I'm not sure who "I am" is. I know who I AM is, but I have trouble seeing Him here. If God is really calling us to live here. To stay here... I'm just not ready to surrender to that. I'm trying though. The problem is that I have no idea where to begin. I didn't picture us living here in my parents home for more than a few months. We've been here a whole month now and are no closer to moving. Lucas has been out of work for almost four months now. We have 12 weeks of unemployment benefits left.

As far as my job search goes. Again. No idea where to start. I'm working on my resume.. which looks like absolutely nothing. How do you make six years of the most exciting work in my life, being a mom look good to a stranger who only cares that you can asnwer the phones and keep files where they go?

And back to the no leads.. not exactly true... but I'm no longer getting excited about "possibilities" b/c I don't buy them. L has contacts through a cousin for a job in transportation engineering.. working on the train track system. He also applied for a management position at the local Jewish Community Center... local as in on the other side of Metropolis. He grew up in a JCC in his hometown and would be great at the job. We would be going into it knowing it was a job of service and not mass anount of money... which is fine. We just want to be independent again. (A JCC is the Jewish equivalent of a YMCA by the way for those of you who don't know. They offer sports programming, after school and summer camps, even theatre.) (And yes, you can be a Christian and work there.)
So I know. depressing post. But its where I'm at today. We need prayer. We need answers and movement in our life.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Not Me! Monday

This weeks list of Not Me! moments.

I most certainly did not get angry at my husband for playing games on facebook that I introduced him to and convinced him that he "just had to try them". I did not serve my entire family lunch on paper towels because the thought of making another seven plates dirty made me feel naseus. At that same lunch I also did not cut up a few apples, grab the kids chip containers for their school lunches and call the meal complete. Nope. I always serve yummy well rounded healthy meals. Especially when serving my parents. I have not spent countless hours staring at a map praying that I get to move. anywhere. on it. And the biggest thing I did not do this week was walk around complaining that my mothers house smells like fish... only to realize that the smell came from where I absolutely did not spill a bottle of liquid doggie vitamins.. fish oils to be more exact. Nope. The horrendous embarasing stink did not come from my bedroom. Never. I always smell fresh and clean. Like a daisy.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

How to lose your child at Nasa

1. Get three capable adults, separate them.

2. Place three children on a giant indoor playground.

3. Send one parent to the bathroom and don't tell everyone.

4. Stand on side of play structure "for a better view" instead of in front of one of five exits.

5. Get stuck in a crowd going the opposite direction when two year old heads towards entrance to the ball pit.

6. Assume two year old started climbing the play structure with the millions of other children instead of going right out the door probably under your very own feet.

7. Waste time climbing said play structure instead of immediately turning around and notifying security.

How to find your child: alert your husband who is much more clearly gifted in the "how to handle a crisis" arena.

We had a blast at NASA until this happened. And it happened so. fast. We got to NASA right before they opened, walked onto a tram to the tour of the historic mission control. While waiting in the lobby of mission control Desi was complaining that it was boring and Ayden corrected her kindly saying "actually its quite interesting." Then we went though an exhibit where they take you into a dark room with big movie screens and a fog machine and make you feel like you are "experiencing" a shuttle launch. Then they take you into an auditorium and tell you about the current missions going on in space and the astronauts up there right now. Then we ate. then we waited in line fr an hour so the kids could cross an indiana jones rope course. It was challenging, but Desi and Lucas finished the entire course. Ayden finally reached a point where it was simply too big for him. Then we went through some more exhibits. finally we let the kids play on the giant play structure which is enclosed in black netting making it difficult to see through. On the ground level is a bsll room for little guys. They can go in and put balls into machines tha hen spit the balls out or take them to the very top where they randomly fall down into it. I sat the kids down before we got started and showed them our "meeting place" where we would meet if we got separated, or if they came out and couldn't find us. We let the big ones go up and play and I stood on the side to watch Balin play in the balls. I stayed on the side because from there i could see him better.. and touch him through the net. He was playing fine for about five minutes, then turned and headed to the entrance. I called him back and he played some more and then turned and headed back again. When I realized he was heading to the door and was not interested in stopping I immediately headed that direction. The side walkways around the structure are narrow and as I headed to him I was cut off by a swarm of people. By the time I got to the door he was gone. My dad saw another little toe headed boy (who we kept spotting until we finally Balin) going up the climbing area so we assumed Balin was going up with the bigger kids. I sent Desi and ayden up after him and myself climbed the stairs to find him, but I couldnt. Neither could they. I went back down and Dad still didn't see him either. Lucas came up, and told me he had been in the restroom which I was unaware of... he immediately went into action. He notified the front desk by the door and gave them a description. meanwhile I as still circling the play structure, going up and down the steps determined to find him. When my stomach finally dropped to my knees and i accepted that he was gone and I needed to do something I heard Lucas calling from below. He had Balin. Thats when I started to tear up, and when I got to them and Lucas said security had him in a gift shop I lost it. I lost my baby.. and did nothing effective to find him. At NASA. A Major attraction in a major city. All I could do was circle a playground and send my six year old to do my job. I'm still struggling with this. Its hard to forgive yourself for causing a near disaster. a Life ending disaster. My husband was my hero though and brought me back my baby safe and sound. Terrified and sobbing and shoeless, but safe. Here are some happy pictures from the day... before I fell into the category of "those moms"... you know... "those moms' who lose their children in public places.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I know something!!

Lucas got a call back for an engineering job in Williston, North Dakota. He interviwed over the phone yesterday and next week he will fly out on Wednesday for an inperson interview. North Dakota? Really? We have no idea if he will actually get the job, but everything so far is very promising. They are a Canadian privately held company that provides energy services. Much like what he was doing. Lucas would be hired into a training program similar to what he was in, and they say they will honor what he already studied! Great job with great opportunity.
The thing about North Dakota. Its really really cold there. And tiny towns. It would be a major stretch for me personally. We go from church shopping from hundreds of churches to church shopping from about 7.. I counted. I would have to choose from four public schools. (should we continue with public school... not something we've talked about). There are two.. count them.. two grocery stores. But there is a McDonalds and and Arby's so I guess we won't starve. North Dakota has been on our minds since last May. I'm not sure if I should note that as ironic of as providence. In May Lucas's then manager approached him and the other engineers with a lab tech position in Dickinson ND. No one else wanted it as it would have been a step down in pay... bu for some weird reason we were intrigued. Lucas contacted them and sent his resume but nothing came of it. Last month we made contact with the region manager for another position with that company that we thought was in Gillette WY. He said.. nope, no job there.. but hey, I have one open in (you guessed it ) Dickinson North Dakota. Lucas sent his resume, talked to the district manager and nothing came of it. That position was only an operator position.. a big step down, but we're willing to work for peanuts at this point. Lucas has sent resumes to 23 states and 12 countries, that we have record of. (lots of jobs are anonymously listed). I point that out to make it clear that we ourselves are not seeking North Dakota jobs, although we have been a bit heavy handed in hoping for a job in the rockies region so that someday we can get to Denver. I recently saw a claim on a website that North Dakota has the strongest job market in the country right now due to its high state surplus. I don't know if that's true but I do know that the doors and windows in our life keep opening to the cool breeze of the northern prairie. To top it off, Balin got into Desi's room the other day and took apart a wooden puzzle of all the states. He brought us one piece. North Dakota. right. So if Lucas gets turned down on this job I'll feel no different from all the other jobs he has been turned down on. A bit disappointed, but God is in control. If he does not get turned down.. well we saw it coming. Bring on the parkas. Anyone have snowsuits in a boys size 7 and 2?

a lyric for you

Thank you Randy Kaplan for putting into words exactly how I feel at the moment.

No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
No, nothing at all

I got two pet cats at home
One of them’s name is Muffin
Muffin is a really, really good cat
She just sits on the windowsill all day long
Soaking up the sun and purring like this
And when she licks your finger
It feels like sandpaper
She’s the archetypal cat
But I got another cat
And his name is Nothing
It’s not that he doesn’t have a name
It’s N-O-T-H-I-N-G
Sometimes I spell it N-O-T-H-I-N
Then I add an apostrophe

No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
No, nothing at all

Now as I said Muffin is very well behaved
But Nothing is totally depraved
The other day I came home
And he was climbing halfway up my window curtain
And he was reaching out with his paw
And his claw was treacherously close
To the Chagall lithograph I inherited from my grandma
And when I saw his paw and his claw
I said, No!

No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
No, nothing at all

I also got a pet monkey at home
And his name is Kqxhc
That’s spelled K-Q-X-H-C
He was raised by ducks
His mama was a duck
And his papa was a duck
And when it came time to raise him
They said, How about Kqxhc?
Now he’s come to live with me
Well that’s another story entirely
Suffice it to say that Kqxhc
Is a very, very, very, very, very hungry monkey
The other day when Kqxhc woke up
He said, I want a muffin
I said, What? You want to eat Muffin the cat?
No way, man
We got rules against things like that
Kqxhc said, I didn’t mean Muffin the cat
I meant like a corn muffin or a raisin bran muffin
Or even a blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oohberry muffin
I said, What do you think this is? The Muffin Store?
We don’t just got muffins of all flavors
Laying around for the taking
So Kqxhc said, Well then what’s in the ‘fridge
When we opened the refrigerator do you know what was in there?
A box of baking soda left over by the previous tenant
And some soy sauces and hot mustards
And a bunch of duck sauces, too
Well when Kqxhc saw the duck sauces
He said, What’s with the duck sauce?
Hey, where are my folks anyway?
And I said, No, it’s got nothing to do with ducks
It’s from the Chinese restaurant
I keep telling them I don’t need more sauce
But they don’t understand
They just keep sending it to me anyway
And I feel bad throwing it away
I don’t want to waste food
And so I keep putting it in the ‘fridge
And it keeps piling up
Well Kqxhc said, I’m not buying that
I lost my appetite
I think I’ll just have nothing
I said, What?! You’re not even hungry
And now you want to eat my cat Nothing?
Just because he’s a bit depraved
And not as well behaved as Muffin
Doesn’t mean you can eat him and—
Kqxhc interrupted me and said
I didn’t mean Nothing the cat
I meant nothing at all!

No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing

Monday, August 31, 2009

What ifs

My husband might get a job today... or he might not. He might find out he got a job today... or he might find out later this week... or next week or the week after... or he might not. He might get a job with another company... or he might not. We might move at christmas into a rental house... or we might not. We might move to the south side of Houston, or the east side... or not. We might enroll Ayden in a hip Hop class.. or we might not. We might celebrate Lucas's Birthday by going to Nasa...or we might not. Nothing is for sure in our lives. How grateful I am that My Lord is "I AM" He is. He was. He will be. I rest in that.

Sunday, August 23, 2009


I have a new nephew and he is beautiful, and healthy. A 9.1 lbs of halthy beautiful baby boy. George Asher Barna is not yet 24 hours old and his aunt meme is sooooo sad she can't go meet him. I've been working on his Christmas stocking while I whine about not getting to smell his sweet little head or snuggle his tiny little nose. California is simply too far away.

Last night we were in the living room pining over pictures of the new little angel and my own little devil came into the room with suspiciously balckened eyes. hmm. My first thought and fear was ink. After closer inspection I realized tht no, not ink, but mascara. My two month old had applied mascara to both of his eyes, actually managing to get a good coat on one set of dainty lashes. I'm in trouble. big trouble.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

because it isnt all about me...

I blog. I facebook. I write about what I eat, where I go, everything I do. I watched my wedding video the other day with my husband and on it my brother in law toasted us, or roasted me, and tease me somewhat mercilessly about my scrapbooking the tiniest details of my life. Its so true though. I think you should think its important what I saw in the street this morning or what my child said after he hit his brother or what ingredients went into my dinner. But I know it isnt. Over the past few months I felt overwhelmingly selfish. I was so excited to find a church to really plug into, to grow deeper with. (Grace has an amazing community and if you are seeking a church family here in Shreveport Bossier its so worth the drive from any part of town!) I was seriously disapointed when Lucas lost his job and suddenly the conversations returned to being all about me.. or my family. I'm tired of talking about me. So lets talk about someone else:-). Or lots of someone elses.
Lets start with all the babies born in my circle of family friends and aquaintances this week! Happy birthdays to the families of Adam, a cousin, Hudson, a friend, Gracie, a niece of a friend that we've been praying for, Harper, an aquaintance and someone who has a blog I follow because they live a fun and exciting life for Jesus.. and sometimes I need to be reminded that Jesus IS fun AND exciting (even when MY life isnt). And there are those who are expecting.... Theres my own sister Lizzie due anytime, my friend Maggie, my friend Sherri, Ayden's Aunt Kristin, and my sweet friend Becky who is the furthest away from her baby at the moment as she is in the starting stages of an adoption.
I have been reading on all these facebook pages about moms who got through labor.. lots of it.. with no pain meds. And while I am so impressed and proud of them, I think what Becky is about to go through is even more admirable. I've been preggo. Twice. It stunk. I loved the closeness of my baby, but the reality is 9 months of puking, pain and discomfort are not fun. Joyfull yes, but not fun. and then you have to give birth. not. fun. But neither is a year to two years of paperwork, sleepless nights and expectation of a baby being born accross the world. Born into a world of poverty and disease and pain. A baby who will wait while you wait for people. People who have to sign paper and pass paper and make more paper. Paper that can allow or prevent you from bringing home your child. A child you were born to love. I pray for Becky's baby. Its surreal knowing that her baby is quite probably allready conceived. Allready with a beating heart, growing every day. You are going to see lots about Becky and her jouney on here because I think its important to share. There are SO MANY babies and children around the world, and here in the US that will never know a mothers love. And most of us do nothing. My sister went through this journey to bring home my niece and learned so much. Most of all I learned how hard this is for the adoptive family and especially the mommy to be. So while I celebrate the birth of all these beautiful babies and the triumph that is the end of a pregnancy, I pray for my friend. I pray for her baby. HEREis why she is starting this journey. For as long as I have known Becky I have known that someday she would adopt. She would do for a child.. or more.. what Christ has done for His people. We are lost and broken, born into a world of spiritual poverty. There is nothing we can do to fix it. There is no health care plan we will all agree on. No president who will make us all get along. There is a rescuer. There is someone who reaches into this world where we murder infants and steal from our children. A world where women are sold to satify the lusts of men across the globe and buisness men steal from the pockets of the poor. A world where young boys are raised to hate. and to hate with bombs. A world where we cant even wait patiently at a stop light anymore. We are grafted into the branches of His vine. We are brought into His fountain of life. We are rescued. For His glory. I find so much peace in knowing that it doesnt matter what I write or what I tell you or if you care Because really, it never was all about me.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Life, in boxes

We now have 75 percent of our stuff in boxes, including most of the kitchen. Needless to say meals are quite creative. Tonight dinner was so creative as to involve driving to TaMollys for some 5 dollar taco plates.

Lucas had his big big big phone interview today. The job would move us to Denver (Centennial area). He would get to be an engineer! There are tons of other pluses, but I'll leave it at that for now.

The boys are both getting really stressed. They're having breakdowns and getting frustrated with the whole changing life thing. I understand. I keep reminding Ayden that God is the same God who made the universe. The same God that paints every flower. He will get us "home" wherever that might be. Until then, we have one another. And boxes. lots and lots of boxes.

Monday, August 3, 2009


School. Not an easy discussion around here. Between me, my husband, my parents, my mother in law, my sister, my friends, my church I get so much input. The question is what do I do with my output? We Homeschooled Ayden from January of last year until the end of school. We tried public school for an entire semester. I hated it. Ayden hated it. His teacher didn't care. Ayden was labeled a "problem". The principal refused to help. Ayden wasn't learning anything except that he was "bad" or a "fool" as his teacher liked to tell him. So we decided to homeschool. I used to be 100 percent anti homeschool. There was no way around it, I thought kids who are homeschooled turn out wierd and stupid. Nope. I've met some amazing people lately who are kind and generous and normal (whatever that means.) I'll tell them I homeschool and they tell me "oh yeah, I was homeschooled my entire life" really? I don't know why I'm surprised. But I was. Thats honest. This was not Ayden's first time to try public school either. He entered a pre-k public program and it was three months before the teacher stopped calling me in every day after class to talk about Ayden's behavior. I know maturity has a ton to do with how well public school kids do. Personality and nature as well. I know some kids do awesome in public school and thrive and have a great experience. So why am I so hesitant to put Ayden ito school this year? Why does the idea of packing up his school supplies make my stomach turn? Is it because I'm afraid he isn't mature enough yet? maybe... or maybe its something more. We LOVE homeschooling. not every day of course, but in general it has been amazing to watch him learn and grow. To know what he is learning, and know what he is accomplishing. So why am I not convinced?? Why is not such an easy question to answer. I have lesson plans written, curriculum purchased, pencils sharpened. I'm ready. We started this morning and it was great. He did 25 minutes of phonics on a computer driven program that gives me great feedback. We reviewed the dolch sightword list (which he seems to have forgotten most of in the past month.) We took a spelling pre-test which he aced. We read two chapters from Stuart Little and learned about title pages and words such as "perspiration", "emerged" and "louse". We read scripture and talked about how God wants us to follow the ways of the wise and not the wicked, and that He wants us to love our neighbors, and yes that includes the snotty girls a building over. We made bookmarks and a title page for our portfolio. We read Danny and the Dinosaur and Biscuit Goes to School. And he was happy. There were no tears. There was no complaining. We even rode his bike around the block and visited some friends too. When little brother wakes us we are going to the library to get books on archeaology and the red river. We love homeschooling.

So the problem is this: we have no clue what God is doing with out life. There are two potentioal jobs at the moment, both of which stand as equal a chance of falling through as coming to fruition. A. We end up in North Dakota in a job that will most certainly require me to return to work. (in a town with less than 16,000 people and limited work ability)or B. We end up in Colorado somewhere, most likely Grand Junction in a job where I could certainly stay home or work part time. Neither of these jobs seems to be happening very quickly. Both would start after the beginning of school in Conroe. Conroe starts on August 25th.

As of this week. I'm homeschooling. I have my husbands support on this. I guess if by the time School starts we havent heard anything about either of these jobs or if we know these jobs won't happen I'll be forced to enroll him in school. I'll have to get a job while we wait for Luas to get a job.

I know God has a plan here. I pray for all grownups in Ayden's life to be on the same ground and have the same goals for him. I pray that we will all know accept and understand what I as Mom am supposed to do. I pray for discernment. Quickly. I pray for motivation in whatever direction we are supposed to go. Lord, answer us soon..

I would love to get feedback on this. Any ideas or impressions you would like to share are welcome. I know people read this blog... i have a sitemeter:-). I don't know who you are, but I know there are people from all over the country who check in and lurk here. Give me your thoughts. ..

Friday, July 31, 2009

Life, illustrated

We were on our way out of our neighborhood this afternoon and drove by the *new* Taco Bell being built less than a mile from our apartment. While visions of gorditas and seven layer burritos do make my mouth water and tummy growl, what caught my attention today was not the now in place tables and functional counters, but the poor fire hydrant out front. You see, we've gotten a ton of rain this past week here in the swamplands of Cajun Country. Rain that we asked for. Rain that is moving things. Rain that will ultimately be for our benefit. The rains take no notice of the piles of sand around new fast food joints, nor does the rain care if on its way to the great ocean it has to bury a couple of lonely fire hydrants.
I recently asked God for rain, in the spiritual sence. About four months ago I had reached a point of frustration with myself and my walk, and so I fasted bread, yeast, sugar and the like for about two weeks. I spent lots of time in the word. Lots of time in prayer. I prayed for God to.. get this.. move me. I prayed that he would rain into my life newness. I read how he moved the Isrealites from slavery to freedom but had to take them through a desert first. Then, when I was not prepared, even though I asked for it, he answered. Lucas got laid off. We are moving.
Today I feel an awful lot like that fire hydrant. It was minding its buisness, serving its purpose as guard against fire for a very vacant open field until the power that controls its existance decided to move. Plans were written, construction began, and then the rain fell. Now that little yellow fire hydrant is buried, prevented from use by the very act of being moved in itself. After a while work will be done, landscapes will be placed and the hydrant will be free again, ready to serve an even greater purpose. Where before it served only an empty lot, it will now stand guard over a restraunt, full of people and really yummy food.
Right now I feel buried. Buried in boxes and moving plans and fear and anxiety. Buried by the stress of making decisions for my children and my home. Buried by questions and research and dust from old stuff I've pulled out of corners. I havent been able to focus on others or reach out to my many pregnant friends. I've missed baby showers and bible studies. I havent been able to put my all into the study I have meeting here, which is ending next week... because I'm buried. But the reality is, I'm buried in my answered prayer. I asked God to move and he did.
The past two months my husband and I and my children have all been seeking His face. Our faith has been stretched, but not tested, no not tested but bulked up. Reinforced. Encouraged. By the acts of love we have been given by our church we are seeing that we matter to our King. We are fed and safe and have hope and possible jobs and healthy vibrant children. We know without a doubt, that He is working. The plans have been made, construction has begun. And when it is time he will lay the landscape. He will dig us out and we will be free. Free to serve a greater purpose. Free to serve our Lord where we have been moved.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

quick updates

We ARE moving unless God provides a last minute miracle. Mom has our rooms ready and we've given notice to the apartment. Moving day is August 15th. Our belongings that are not necessary to life will be moving into a local storage unit until we know where we will be living after. After what? I dont know.

My "office" is now a storage room full of boxes and my computer is in my bedroom. I will either never be on it or be on it all the time. Will let you know.

Boys got matching adorable haircuts today. Both got spikey hair.

Balin seems to have a new hydrocele. going to the doctor on wednesday. Please pray that surgery wont be necessary. (I have a feeling it will be.)

Ayden will start Wilkin$on Elementary on August 25th. I'm very bummed that I wont be able to homeschool, but know that maybe someday down the line I'll be able to homeschool Balin and other children I may have. In the meantime Mama will be looking for a job.

Got to go see Harry Potter at the midnight opening with my husband thanks to a new friend who came over to babysit. She rocks and Potter was fun. So was being the oldest people in the theatre. We got seats together only because (aparently) young high school students obey almost any motherly type of person who tells them to scoot down a seat.

We still love our Church. I breath it in. Can I bottle you? Maybe I'll steal some paint chips from the basement to hang onto. I'm praying for this family, that you will continue to grow and nurture one another in this amazing life changing way. Thanks for being real.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

At Harry potter. Barely got a seet! I'm too old for this .
Came to free movie. Still. Hasn't started. At least there is air conditioning and my kids are still happy

Monday, July 6, 2009

I got an I Phone and this is what I made

My little brother sent me his old I phone when he got a new one, so I've been playing. I like this function....

Friday, July 3, 2009

Life, Abundantly

The past month has been difficult to say the least. On June 1st Lucas called me around 10:30 am. I was putting a load of purchases from Target into the trunk of my car. "You need to come home right now" was all he said. Then my phone beeped and I saw a text message from my dad. My stomach dropped and I immediately wondered if something bad, really bad, had happened at home. The last time one of us got the "Come home now" call it was me calling Lucas to tell him Jim had passed away. I drove home fast. Too fast. I scared myself at one point. The entire I was praying "let everyone be alive. let this be a lay off or something. let everyone be alive." Then as I was turning into our neighborhood the car started to overheat. Luckily.. well none of this is luck really... I got home. With Jello legs I got the boys inside. Lucas was standing at the end of the hall with a shell shocked expression. "I just got laid off." We cried. Me out of relief that it wasnt something worse.. wasn't something irreversible.
We were given a two week severance and our insurance was immediately dropped. We are thankful that just the Friday before I had taken the boys in for check ups. Balin got his shots and Ayden the all clear for another year. We have been amazed at how God has provided for us despite the sorrow and fear. He truly does take care of all the details. If you can't see it in your life, see it in mine. That overheating car led to a 100 repair, which then led to the destruction of the alternator. About two weeks later I was driving to a baby sitting job for a friend of a friend. We chatted when we set the time up and she shared that she is going through a divorce and looked into my apartments but for some reason could not get into them. On my way to her house the car died. In the middle lane of a busy intersection. It had enough momentum to steer it into an empty parking lot of a gymnastics building. (1st miracle). A sweet friend whose husband is serving in Iraq lent us her truck so Lucas could come get me. (1st blessing) and then my parents drove up the next day to help replace the alternator (another blessing). We ended up paying about 200 for the repairs. That week a new friend of ours gave us 150 wal mart card which lasted for almost two weeks worth of groceries and gas! (blessing.. losing count) THEN I get a call from my friend who recomended me a a sitter. She wanted the name of the pizza place that is across the street from me. "By the way" she says "my friend is moving into your apartment complex.. she's on her way right now to sign the lease." I asked her to ask her friend to put us down as a referal. After a quick text message (God is a techie too) her friend listed up on her application and we get the referal bonus. Which by the way happens to be 200$. (Miracle number what?!?) God is providing for us in unbleievable ways, covering our purchases and choices and making everything work out to His will.
We met the Grace church family back in March. This is the first time we have experience as a family a God breathing, living, acting, fellowshiping, loving, learning church. They . Get. IT. we can not imagine that God would give us a taste of this type of community and then make us move, but His ways are not Our ways. Our prayer is that we can continue to grow with our Grace friends until He asks us to go somewhere. Specific.
Thursday Lucas had an interview. I wont share too much about it except that it a job exactly in tune with Lucas's experience. I think because my husband is not a great communicator that some people in our lives have the impression that he isn't happy in this industry, but the truth is... he loved his job. He was good at it. He was proud of himself and I saw a new husband over the last year as he grew to see in himself what God was doing. He is smart. He is hardworking. He is loyal. I am so proud of him for working so very hard for us. This job would be a major step down in pay. BUT it might buy us some time as we wait for the industry to recover. WHEN that happens, Shreveport Bossier will come back to life. The Haynesville Shale will once again be the exciting place to work and hopefully, God willing, we will be here to work it!

So for now.. we dont know much more than this: God is Good. He will provide. Our life in Christ is whole and wonderful. We have great friends, a great church and great families.
How can you help? Well obviously money is tough right now. We need encouragement as we try to balance out what was a bit of too much spending in our lives with a now very limited spending.
We need guidance and prayer as to these questions...
should we stay here with a lower paying job and fake it for a while?
do we move to Houston to live with Emily's parents while we figure this out?
What do we do with Ayden's schooling?
How and when do I return to work and in what way?
What will do about transportation since we share a car.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Ayden has been handed over off to see the parents and a possible rare mother daughter mouie outing

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


Just wanted to share with everyone that Lucas got laid off this morning. Keep your eyes open and ears perked for any jobs near you!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

wednesday morning miracle!

I went to put Balin down for a nap this morning and LION was waiting on his pillow. Who knows where he was hiding, or how he came back.. but I am one happy Mama! (with a happy sleeping todller!)

Monday, May 18, 2009

Sunday, bloody Sunday

The AccidentSo yesterday afternoon I decided I REALLY just HAD to go to the Boardwalk. Lucas and I got the kids ready and went to Buffalo Wild Wings. (1.99 kids meals all day Sundays !) Then we rode the "Charlie" (trolley). then I just HAD to go into the linen store. Ayden was pouty and not paying attention and running around. I had been on him all night about it. All the sudden WHAM right into a support beam of some type. I didn't actually see it happen. He came cowering over to me holding his head and my first instinct was to start telling him "I told you so- stop running in stores!." Then I looked at his head and saw blood. Everywhere. We ran to the checkout girl who, while turning green, gave us some paper towels which got us to the bathroom. I had planned on cleaning him up a little but saw the wound and realized a trip to the ER was necessary! It was crowded, and as we sat there we people watched. What else do you do in an ER? The funny thing was that there were three other little boys who were all five or six with very similar injuries! All of them had some sort of rag or bandage on their head or face and were curled up in their daddy's arms. What is with five year olds and wanting to damage their heads??? We should be issued helmets for these two years. One little boy had gotten hit with a bat above his eye. One had stepped on some kid of sharp plastic in the mud in a neighbors backyard. Another had a large wound on his cheek. Ayden did great- well as great as he could. He was fine waiting... for hours and hours. As soon as the doctor got ready to do the "repair" he panicked. He all but ran out of the room so they had to bring out the papoose thing and strap his little body down. I was above his head, out of the docs way, but his face was pointed towards me and he was screaming "mommy help me, make it stop". Not fun.. but we survived and as soon as the lidocaine started working he was fine. He is very proud of the three STAPLES he now has on the side of his head. We wont be doing any sprinklers or running around until they come out though.

My Recommendation/ Lessons learned:
Lock your five and six year old boys in a padded room. do not let them out. If let out wear full body armour all the time.
And about our local ER. I LOVE this hospital.. the staff are great, the doctors great... the Er?? HORRIBLE. Not that the people making you wait for hours on end aren't kind and patient and helpful.. but really. We sat with creepy BLEEDING people for HOURS. If my head had been on straight I would have taken my 25$ co-pay to the urgent care next door. Even if you have to pay more out of pocket than that, they are open 7-7 and would have seen us so much faster! This ER is very busy.

And finally. If you want a quiet Sunday with your husband STAY HOME.

Monday, May 11, 2009

God is good

In this post HERE I talked about a family having to decide if they were to carry their baby who has no skull and "no" chance at "life" full term, or to terminate early. I found out today they chose to let God be God and wait for his answer! They have no plans to terminate! Although there is great joy in knowing that they chose God's path, that means its time to step up and PRAY. This family needs to be covered in prayers! They live in Shreveport LA and she is about halfway through her pregnancy I believe. I'll try to find out more. Her baby has anencephaly. (warning there are very disturbing pictures on the link- rememebr that although horribly disfigured these are still beautiful creations of God. Born with a purpose and a plan, as all of us are.)

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Thursday, May 7, 2009

RIP Lion 2004-2009 (a tribute to a lost lovey)

It was simply a trip to the mall. Daddy needed new shoes. Mommy wanted a new spring dress.Lion waited patiently while we shopped, working hard to entertain and cuddle Balin who is never a fan of shopping. Little did we know tragedy would strike. Upon arrival back home Daddy noticed Lion was not inside. He was not under the beds or behind or the doors. He was not in the wagon or the dryer or on Balins bed. He was not in the car. Not in the trunk. Lion was gone. Whether a victim of kidnapping or simple abandonment, lion is presumed deceased. We will miss him terribly although cow, new lion and puppy have all stepped up to try to fill the void that now exists. We will miss you sweet lion with your dingy stained fur. Your nose with holes and your tail that was mere fuzz. Thank you sweet lion, you served us well.

Monday, May 4, 2009

the Meme Simply cookbook

I need your recipies!! I'm going to start a new blog with recipies from friends and family. I only got a couple of cookbooks when I got married and no personal ones from friends and family. I plan on writing a little bit about a different person every day and then posting a recipe from them or one that reminds me of them! you can leave me a recipe as a comment or email them to me at memesimply@gmail.com. I'm looking forward to seeing what you have to share!

Not Me Mondays..

So I've been following Mcmama for a while and this is one of the fun things I found on her blog. Following in her example here are a list of thing I most definitly certainly never did this past week...(except for the part where they really did happen).
I most certainly did not invite two of Aydens friends over for a movie night, but give them different nights to come. Not Me. I absolutely did not lose Balin's beloved Lion at the mall buying a dress I really don't need. Not me. I also did not eat half a jar of fudge topping over the past three days. Not me. And of course I did not sign up to host a beauticontrol party because I have a problem saying no to people and I felt guilty that I did not have the money to buy any product at her show. Not me. You get the idea... what did you not do this week?

Friday, May 1, 2009

the birthday that just wouldnt d.....

So tonight we are finally finishing the months long celebration of Ayden turning six. Next year he getsd ONE DAY, like normal children. Two of his buddies from our short time in public school are coming over for a pizza movie night. We'll be watching Hotel for Dogs and gorging on pizza and popcorn. yay. Tomorrow morning I get to go meet a new friend's new baby! And then to top it all off tomorrow night I'll be going on a MNO! YAYYYYY! Finally some mommy rest!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

now it takes two hands

My baby boy is turning six in about two hours, and as always on his birthday I am wallowing in the strange fact that I have a son. I thought the newness would have worn off by now, but I am begining to realize maybe it never will. There is never a moment in any day when I don't have the ever present knowledge that I am a mom. That I belong heart and soul to a living creature who demands all of my love time and patience. That withought my care.. he would die. I'm sure Oprah would be telling me to go have an aha moment and focus on myself, but the reality is I do not belong to myself. Not since I became a mom. I love being a mother but there are days like yesterday when I feel so overwhelmed, so entirely small compared to his gigantic needs. Even though he can feed himself, entertain himself and keep himself clean for the most part, I am still faced with the gigantic task of raising him from child to man. Thank God (literally) that I don't have to do it on my own. Because if that was the case... lets not think about that. I have found myself learning over the years that being a parent hurts. From morning sickness and labor pains to middle of the night feedings to next day exhaustion to sitting in the ER at midnight because your two year old tried to cut a bouncy ball in half and instead almost cut off his thumb and now you have to explain yourself and how your two year old got hold of the wedding gift table knife that was capeable of cutting so deeply to every nurse doctor social worker in the hospital to sitting in filthy wic offices and clinics to get the food and medical care necessary to missing his first Easter egg hunt because your job is to watch other children go on their first easter egg hunt to holding you sobbing three year old because he doesnt understand that it was your actions and choices that make him have families in two different states to defending your kindergartner against teachers who dont love him and therefore dont care to see past his inability to sit still in a chair for eight hours in a day to having him look you in the face and ask you "Why" when there simply is no answer and you've given him the best you can, to looking down the road and knowing his poor little heart will have to suffer because we live in a scary broken Godless world and we are scary broken people. Being a parent hurts. And I wonder what our Father feels. This Creation he made... so far from him. My son is turning six tomorrow. And even though I'm sure he will reject the gifts we've purchased him, as he has rejected the birthday party ideas I gave him, I will love him. And when he sasses me and is ungrateful, I will love him. And when he rejects me to go play with his friends I will love him. Because at the end of the day I know whats coming. I know the story, because I know him. At the end of the day, no matter how hard he pushes me away in his attempts to grow up, my six year old will still want me to tuck him in. He will still want that kiss and hug and snuggle. I'm so glad to know that our Father knows the ending too, and that one day we will get that goodnight kiss and snuggle. No matter how hard we push away. No matter how much we try to grow up.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Time for Vay-Cay

hmmm... my post just got deleted. anyways. Were off for a week and a hjakf to the cold north! Wont be blogging! Bye!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Bedrooms, babies, picnics and books and baking

I'm a lame blogger, I've said that before so here is a quick.. sorta.. update on everything we've been doing. Ayden spent a week in Colorado two weeks ago. While he was gone we redecorated his and B's room. We dropped him off at the airport, delivering him into Ehren's care and then headed directly to Ikea. I will admit my husband was more excited than I was. We were easily pursuaded to buy a loft style bunk bed, thats mid height so as not to be too scary should Ayden fall. I had seen this in the catalougue and never thought to put a bed under it, but thats how Ikea had it set up and voila. Perfect for my two small boys to get a great nights sleep. As for mattresses they are on air mattresses for the moment. We'll deal with that later. We then bought new cheap bookshelves at walmart and I painted the cardboard backing on them to match my awesome finds at Ross. We had no twin bedding so we had to go get sheets and blankets. Ross happened to have two matching Eric Carle sets, YAY! So my idea to bring some COLOR into their room fell into place perfectly. After some painted letters and rearanging we have this:

Babies: I have become a bit focused on reading blogs about sick babies. I'm not sure what to do with that. I'm thinking a prayer blog may be in the works. I've prayed for Stellan and Jonah for two weeks now. Along with thousands of others. It gets me thinking... these two are like celebrity babies now.. what about the hundreds of other babies. Maybe babies whos mamas dont have the blogging bug. They need to be prayed for too. They need their financial needs met as well. Typing my thoughts.. maybe March of Dimes would be a good place to start. For now. Keep Praying for these two.
Pic-nics: We went to a church picnic this Sunday with our new Friends at Grace. We are so excited to be developing relationships. Lucas went to lunch with someone yesterday and is playing ultimate frisbee tonight. I'll ne joinging a ladies book study group soon when they start their next book. We are still going to our old small group and are perfectly happy with that! We love being able to meet once a week without our kids with grownups for dinner and conversation prayer and a peek into the Word.
Books: I was talked into reading the Twilight "saga". While on one hand I feel I am completely wasting my time.. on the other I'm quite interested. but still annoyed. Vampires. Seriously?
Baking: I made my first Challah. Lucas wants to keep Kosher, somewhat at least, for Passover starting next week so I pulled out my Jewish cookbook. (Which I bought back in college to have on hand to impress him...) Ayden and I made bagels.. turned out ok.. a bit doughy and I made my first loaves of Challah. The first one was too big and split in the middle and seemed really dry. The second two (i split the dough in half) turned out better. I used honey in the egg wash at the end instead of sugar and on one I put sweet spices like rosemary and lots of kosher salt. Yum. We had homeade chicken parmesean in the sandra lee semi-homeade style and our yummy hot Challah. I learned a lesson about God while I was baking, but that's another post! Here are some other recent pictures since I have been hiding from my blog...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Why I'm grateful today

We've been searching. For a home, for stability, for something, for a church. We were attending a church this past year, joined it, joined sunday school and a small group. Lucas got baptised, we dedicated Balin, we never found it a fit. Week after week I left frustrated, or tired, or annoyed, or sad. I'm sure the church is reaching people. I know people who are thriving there, but for some reason I was not. WE were not. So we've been searching. It started with some visits to other nearby churches. Just to see. We've also been looking online at houses, and spending our evenings driving around town. Searching for a home. Just to see. We even applied to get pre qualified for a loan. Just to see. We were rejected for the loan. Apparently we have too much school debt. (anyone else as NOT surprised as we are?) so we've stopped that search. We are keeping our eyes open for rentals, but our lease won't be up until the end of May so thats kinda pointless. But for the Church. The first one we visited was charismatic. Joyful. Strange. They remarried us. I laughed that we were on a secret taping of Dr. Phil as he called all the married couples up to the alter and had us repeat our wedding vows. Our vows were not typical so it was a first time for us. Again. It was strange, but an experience. Then we got to pet a hedgehog that was visiting the children's ministry. Again. strange. So that wasn't home. I then was encouraged by my sister and a dear friend Becky to look up PCA churches. It's a branch of the Presbyterian church for those who don't know. Conservative. Believe the Bible is inerrant. Use a more liturgical service style. I've been more of a free spirit kind of gal. Non denominational. Band style worship. But we're searching, so I figured it was worth a shot. The building they are meeting in is a museum... literally. A manuscript museum that was oringinally the Opera house. A small building, it has old fashioned curved wooden beautiful pews and a white alter area with an organ. The walls are tall and covered by windows. There is a balcony area. Everything is yellow, bathed in natural light and simple. Beautiful. I've been finding worship noisy lately. Noisy with the sound of controversy and pride. Noisy with man made attempts to entertain a congregation and fit into an image a pastor has created. Noisy determing who gets to be the soloist and who gets to play the guitar. I'm searching for rest. I need a way to enter into the throne room and be still. We walk into this church and were gently and honestly welcomed. People actually seemed to want to know us and who we are. EVERYONE said hello and tried to go beyond the "good morning, how are you, fine" conversation we are so used to having. Within minutes I knew the names of two other homeschool families, another oil services family and the names of other mothers of multiple children. Within minutes we were hearing Grace preached out of love and authentic Joy. The worship began with strings. Piano, violin.... and hymns. I've avoided hymns. "Theyre out of date" "theyre not interesting" "they are boring." I was quickly reminded that in their beautiful simplicity the love our ancestors had for Christ Jesus was expressed clearly and wonderfully. Songs written not with churches of thousands in mind, but of the heart of one man for his Father.This past weekend I got to go on a ladies retreat. Friday evening and all day SAturday I got to sit without my children and listen to women share Biblical, Grace and Gospel focused lessons on community and discipleship. I found two other women with stories earily similar to mine in terms of how they got their first children. I found a purpose for my addiction to blogs about women who are carrying terminally ill babies to the end of their pregnancy (God's timing)instead of terminating at the Doctors will. A woman shared that her neighbor was on the cusp of that decision after finding out her baby is developing at 4 1/2 months with no skull. I got to pray for this stranger and bring her resources I had quietly been collecting over the past few months. I see opportunity here to grow and to love and befriend. The pastors started a classical school that though I can't afford it, I'm sure I'll be able to glean from. There are several other homeschooling families that I can get to know and Ayden can play with. There are men who Lucas can also grow and learn from. The Lord clearly directed us here. No more searching. We found a home.