Thank you Randy Kaplan for putting into words exactly how I feel at the moment.
No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
No, nothing at all
I got two pet cats at home
One of them’s name is Muffin
Muffin is a really, really good cat
She just sits on the windowsill all day long
Soaking up the sun and purring like this
Pththththththth
And when she licks your finger
It feels like sandpaper
She’s the archetypal cat
But I got another cat
And his name is Nothing
It’s not that he doesn’t have a name
It’s N-O-T-H-I-N-G
Sometimes I spell it N-O-T-H-I-N
Then I add an apostrophe
No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
No, nothing at all
Now as I said Muffin is very well behaved
But Nothing is totally depraved
The other day I came home
And he was climbing halfway up my window curtain
And he was reaching out with his paw
And his claw was treacherously close
To the Chagall lithograph I inherited from my grandma
And when I saw his paw and his claw
I said, No!
No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
No, nothing at all
I also got a pet monkey at home
And his name is Kqxhc
That’s spelled K-Q-X-H-C
He was raised by ducks
His mama was a duck
And his papa was a duck
And when it came time to raise him
They said, How about Kqxhc?
Now he’s come to live with me
Well that’s another story entirely
Suffice it to say that Kqxhc
Is a very, very, very, very, very hungry monkey
The other day when Kqxhc woke up
He said, I want a muffin
I said, What? You want to eat Muffin the cat?
No way, man
We got rules against things like that
Kqxhc said, I didn’t mean Muffin the cat
I meant like a corn muffin or a raisin bran muffin
Or even a blue-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-oohberry muffin
I said, What do you think this is? The Muffin Store?
We don’t just got muffins of all flavors
Laying around for the taking
So Kqxhc said, Well then what’s in the ‘fridge
When we opened the refrigerator do you know what was in there?
A box of baking soda left over by the previous tenant
And some soy sauces and hot mustards
And a bunch of duck sauces, too
Well when Kqxhc saw the duck sauces
He said, What’s with the duck sauce?
Hey, where are my folks anyway?
And I said, No, it’s got nothing to do with ducks
It’s from the Chinese restaurant
I keep telling them I don’t need more sauce
But they don’t understand
They just keep sending it to me anyway
And I feel bad throwing it away
I don’t want to waste food
And so I keep putting it in the ‘fridge
And it keeps piling up
Well Kqxhc said, I’m not buying that
I lost my appetite
I think I’ll just have nothing
I said, What?! You’re not even hungry
And now you want to eat my cat Nothing?
Just because he’s a bit depraved
And not as well behaved as Muffin
Doesn’t mean you can eat him and—
Kqxhc interrupted me and said
I didn’t mean Nothing the cat
I meant nothing at all!
No, nothing. No, nothing
I know nothing and you know nothing
They know nothing and we know nothing
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