In which I work up the courage to say the F word.

{That would be "fundraiser". There, done. I feel better, do you? Although I'm sure when I say THAT "F word" for some of you the other one might come to mind. Hear me out though, this is kinda long but This one is also kinda special!!}

Our daughter/daughters have been little more than a dream for us. Lots of paperwork. Lots of meetings. Lots of aimless rambling a around Dillard's drooling over fluffy dresses I won't buy even when she/they are here. 

We are pursuing two routes to adoption- 1. Direct infant Adoption in a which a birth mama will recognize that it would be best for her to place her child in our home rather than for her to parent due to numerous possible reasons. We are open to openness in that relationship. We love that mama. 

2. Foster to adopt through a private agency. An infant/toddler/preschooler and maybe her sister (any age younger than our youngest) who is in the care of Texas child protection services will be placed in our home out of necessity for that child's welfare. We still love that mama but know that if the state has to step in then we probably will not have the same open adoption. 

Either way this ends with daughter(s).

Either way the waiting is hard. 

Either way this kinda gets expensive. Emotionally and financially. 

We need you. We need our team to rally. We need "Charlotte's" team to rally. 

Enter our little project. 

Charlotte's Dream quilt. This "kaleidoscope of hope" as I wrote on Instagram not too long ago is comprised of hundreds of triangles. Close to 300! It actually will be two quilts. A twin sized quilt and a crib sized. Two sisters? Or maybe a birth mom and daughter? We don't know... What we do know is that this project will take a while. Hopefully long enough to get me through the waiting with intention. I made a quilt for Silas and prayed over it for him with every stitch. This quilt is no different. Every stitch a prayer. I'm machine piecing this but will hand quilt it. Nothing compares to the way a quilt feels when it has been hand stitched. 

So how does it work? Simple.

 Sponsor a triangle. 

For every 5$ you donate I will (machine) embroider a name onto the back of one of the quilts.  Any name you want! The first one is going to be Velma. My grandmother whom I would give almost anything to have one more afternoon with. One more gleaning from her depth of wisdom. As I face the possibility of FIVE children I think of her. Did she parent flawlessly, nope. But she had plenty to teach me. I'll honor her by putting her name first. Every quilt she made me had her signature. So it belongs here too. 

 Who will you remember? 

Do you want our baby girl to know you were praying for her? Want to remember a grandmother or mother? Maybe you yourself placed a child for adoption. I would be honored to put that child's whispered name on here. (It's our secret, I promise). Or maybe a child you've lost too soon. Maybe an old friend , or someone who inspires you. The names will last as long as the quilt does. First name, last name, initials, whatever!  I can imagine her (them) physically touching and feeling the names as she/they grows up, knowing her life is part of a much bigger kaleidoscope of women, of motherhood- of daughterhood. I want her to know she belongs right here. Will you help us? Will you also share this on your social media? We need you AND your friends. We need your prayers. We need you to be on our team.  

It's easy. Just click that "donate" button under the header at the top right of the blog. You'll want to open the desktop view since the mobile site won't show it. You'll be prompted by paypal (safe and secure) and can donate right there from your phone. Easy peasy. I'll post photos as I go so you can all see the progress! Thank you for loving on our girl(s) in this way! **if paypal does not give you a "leave a note" option just comment below or send me an email at EmilyMichelle@gmail.com with the name you want on the quilt!**

The sorrow before the joy

Adoption is beautiful. Something absolutely stunning occurs when we witness redemption. It glows and pours out and lights up everyone around us. And yet adoption- every time- begins with tragedy. There are no situations in which a mother and child spend nine months together and then are separated that is in of itself a good thing. Circumstances, sin, brokenness, trauma... Something happens and suddenly adoption is necessary. We can not celebrate the beauty of adoption without recognizing the sorrow of the loss. The loss of the child AND of the mother. Even when it is necessary that a child be removed from the mother, or when a mother chooses to place her baby, there is still a shift in design. We were not created to give birth to other mother's children. We were not created to grow up without our mama's care. But because we live in a fallen world, these situations are inevitable. I'm a Presbyterian. I believe in predestination. I believe in grace alone,  But even when providence has declared this moment and these situations, there is sorrow. A mother's inability to parent her child does not negate her inherent mother-ness. Her grief is not disposable. When Lazarus died and Jesus delayed and Martha and Mary cried, so did our savior.  It was sorrow over our condition for which Jesus wept. (John 11) The weight of our sorrow. The heaviness of our brokenness. Jesus knew from before Lazarus died that he would raise him from the dead. He never stops speaking that truth to his followers, to Mary and Martha and yet he weeps as he witnesses their sorrow. 

In every adoption he sees the ending. The price has been paid and redemption has been planned, but first there is and must be weeping. I think of our birth mother. I grieve for her, possibly before she even grieves. At the same time I fully believe with confidence that our future holds princess parties, ballet slippers, flannel gowns on Christmas morning, painted toe nails, giggling conversations across the kitchen counter. I have faith in the future, but I'm fully aware of what has to happen first. 

There is a rising online presence of adopted children who are now adults and angry about their story. They have a right to be. Their story is one of sorrow. The adoption discussion does indeed tend to be very adoptive parent focused. But at the same time adoption does not happen to just the child. Ultimately adoption is a story that belongs to God, the author of adoption. The author of parenthood and childhood and relationships. Those stories of sorrow are also stories of hope. Every adopted child should have that, but sadly many do not. Texas foster care is under immense scrutiny because so many children have died under the states care. Tragic ends to tragic stories. But I have to choose to believe that adoption is beautiful. Because He is beautiful. But today, today I grieve her loss. Our daughter's mother's loss.  My daughter's loss. The condition of sin that causes these losses to begin with. 

I cling to the stories I know, the redemption lived out before me in my fellow walkers of this path. Parents who have entered in to their children's sorrow, and some who have chosen to walk beside the birth moms as well. For those who can not know the birth mother I know prayers have been poured out on her behalf. In these hard days... The ones where I imagine my daughter and feel only sorrow, I look through my Facebook for these faces. These Mamas and their beloveds. These little mirrors of redemption and I am comforted by their smiles, by the beauty... By the promise. Hebrews 6:19 is a daily refreshment for me.  I have this hope as an anchor for my soul , FIRM and STEADFAST. For he has entered the inner curtain BEFORE me. These precious women, and so many others not pictured, have entered this curtain of adoption before me and I am so grateful that they surround me. 

The day that didn't

Today was supposed to be a huge step forward for us and our adoption and getting to our little girl. Instead it wasn't. Our home studier got sick and could not make the trip down here. We have spent this week cleaning closets, organizing our cleaners on high shelves, figuring out how to "double lock" prescription medicines and learning the difference between the variety of fire extinguishers. We also wrote out a fire escape plan which we practiced multiple times. Turning on the alarms and having our kids walk to the "meeting place" raised lots of questions. What would we take? What would happen to Hershey? What if I couldn't wake up my little brother? What if I don't wake up? Where would we live? It went on and on, until I finally just told them.. It will never happen. This is just in case, but our house is safe and new and will. not. burn. up. This on Sunday. Thursday morning I wake up to my husband saying "honey wake up, the old lady's house is on fire."

Sure enough, two doors down, our neighbor (who is actually middle aged, but looks 20 years older than she is) was found dead in her upstairs bedroom after firefighters put out the fire. There is much we don't know about what happened, and we did not know the neighbor. We only met one time but avoided her home because of her two aggressive dogs. They were also found in the home after the fire. There were warnings that her world was not simple. Police cars on multiple occasions, shady behavior, only going out after dark. Our street was filled with fire trucks and fire marshals and crime scene investigators all day long yesterday. Police and reporters came to our door asking questions. I was prepared for the kids to have more questions, but other than saying that it was sad they haven't. But I have. I had a hard time falling asleep last night. Is there a flaw in our electrical wires? Are our power strips safe? Did I turn off the stove? Are the paints far enough away from the water heater? Should I park in the garage? Is there an evil arsonist burning my neighborhood?

Our entire perspective feels like we are still looking through smoke today. I woke up to noise and expected more trucks, only to realize it was a concrete truck for a new home going up. I've refused to cook today. And driving past her house? Well, its just hard to get past seeing police curtains covering your neighbors windows. My dad said "people live secret lives" and it is true. There is so much we don't know. Somehow this has made all the inconveniences of a home study a little less inconvenient.  If I could know so little about a person I have lived 100 feet away from for the past year, then how can people know me from a few short interviews? Children who have been traumatized should have the right to be safely placed in quality homes. EVERY effort should be made to do that. So if the state needs to know that I have doors on my fireplace, cool. Ill cough up the cash. Because we should be willing to PROVE that we will do everything we CAN to protect these little people. Tomorrow we will attend our second foster training class. We will turn in our long form application and hopefully they will schedule their own home study soon. And I sure hope they do, because we are READY.

Little things are big things

We got an exciting letter today! We passed our background check at "agency a" and can make our fingerprint appointments! Woo-hoo! We are hoping to make these count for both agencies. Not sure if that will fly, but excited to have something else we can DO. 

Options

So my last post came from a pretty deep place of vulnerability. I received so much amazing encouragement after it and I'm so thankful for those of you who stepped up to encourage me. I'm thankful for you silent ones too. I see the clicks and know you read it. Knowing you see this helps. It's strange, but just having that number that says, yup two people read such and such post makes me feel heard. Selfish, but honest.

We received lots of questions too. The number one question was why are we looking into a new agency? What's wrong with the first one? Nothing. Nada. We love "agency a". They stole our hearts the first night we met met them. We are going forward with the documents they need. For now. 

Adoption is changing. More and more mamas are choosing to parent their babies. This is largely because there is no longer the stigma of single parenthood. This can be a good or bad. Being a single mom is hard. It's super hard. It's uber awful hard. I know. I did it. And I did it with copious amounts of support and a husband who showed up fast. And while I'm grateful I was surrounded by grace and mercy, I also am horrified that young women (or even older professional women) think being a single parent is easy and a trendy goal. No matter how you slice it, being a parent is crazy hard. There are so many single parents in my life and I am so proud of all of them. This is no way a judgement of your situation, but the problem is that parenting is harder than one thinks, and love does not feed babies. Both agencies we have met with have long histories of Domestic Infant adoption (DIA). They've placed hundreds of babies. Both agencies value openness between adoptive families and child regarding the truths around that child's birth story. Both agencies have seen dramatic down turns on the number of mamas placing babies. Last year, these two agencies- one small and one huge- both placed 3 babies. That's all. Every baby brought to them is now in a loving safe home. The gentleman we met with last night showed us 13 children available for a legal risk (foster to adopt, meaning will most likely be legally free to adopt soon) since last THURSDAY. And that's just in his region of Texas. 

The facts were not what I expected. He gave us percentages in the 90% range of kids who are "legal risk" being adopted by their foster to adopt family. He said hoping for a young toddler and maybe even a young sibling group was not at all crazy. I've watched adopting friends grieve lost placements. I've watched adopting friends revel in the joy as well. This is a scary road. But I'm hopeful. We are now going to pursue foster adoption. Two roads. Two options. One God. One story. He's got this. We are just along for the ride.

BY ROBERT FROST
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Naming Rights

Naming your child is your right and privilege. It is an inherent accepted important part of parenting. In scripture with all of the parents and children we rarely see examples of day to day parenting. There are no examples of potty training or teaching little ones to tie their sandals or clean their room. There are no nursery decorating chapters or how to pick a doctor tid bits. In fact there are very few scriptures even dedicated to pregnancy. But with almost every single example of children being born there is a huge emphasis on naming that child. It is a big stinkin deal. Often, as with the children of Leah, those names come from a very intimate place within the mother's heart. Naming my children has been a treasure for me. The names matter.  They aren't selected because of popularity or ease of spelling, but their meaning and inheritance matter to us.

As a parent naming your child is your right and privilege. {Even when you place them for adoption.} Waiting  on a child that will be born from another woman's womb has so many complicated layers. Expectations have to change, and often be beat back with a pitch fork. You simply can not plan for the unknown, and yet naming your child matters. To reconcile these truths is a reality I haven't come to. 

We were given a name for her. But we hold it loosely. If we have an infant through open infant adoption she will be called this name from the moment we hold her. But her mother will also be able to name her, a name from her heart that she will treasure. We want to honor her if possible by incorporating her chosen name into our chosen name... If possible. Some families adopting older children change their name, and if that makes sense we might consider that as well. The difficult picture would be if we go down the foster adopt road. Then we would have to call the child their given name for who knows how long. At that point it might too difficult on everyone to change it. 

But we have her name, or at least her waiting name. Over a year ago our sweet Balin, who was then five told us that his baby sister would be named Charlotte Grace. 

From the first time he said it, we recognized the name as special. And then when playing with some third names ( yup.) we found a combination that means "The undeserved gift of a wished for daughter". There's no denying that calling our sweet girl Charlotte, even if it is just a temporary while we wait for her name, makes perfect sense! So no hating if ten years down the road I'm blogging about Nora or Bethe or Violet or Pearl. But for now, we call her Charlotte.  It seems a fitting time, as we prepare for another road trip for that interest meeting I wrote of a few days ago, to reveal our hash tag. Laugh yourself silly, but I need a way to mark my posts about her. I need a way to invite y'all in to go through this with me. I'll be labeling fundraiser posts and blog posts in Instagram so if you feel like sharing you can tag it too :). So here we go, continuing on our journey, wondering how many #milestocharlotte. 

Pearls and Anchors

You see, there was this man. He was a jeweler, a salesman, a trader in fine things. His specialty was pearls. He searched the world for the prettiest, the largest, and the most valuable. Over the years he collected quite a bounty and traded for fine fabrics, tents, sandals and the best carts and ships to assist his journeys. Then one day, after years of hunting, there in the middle of a crowded marketplace he found her. A beautiful, perfect pearl that was so glorious and unique he had to make it his. But the price? Too high. So he went home and without a second thought gathered every beautiful piece of his collection and sold it all. He took the money and returned to that pearl, which he bought at a great price. While I've imagined the circumstances, Jesus gives us this example as an example of the kingdom of heaven in Matthew 15.  It is worth giving up everything we have to attain. There is nothing we possess that compares to the Glory of God.

We have long associated this pursuit with our pursuit of our daughter. I found a journal entry to our "Lulu" a name that means pearl from 2011. (Other names we have considered over the years are Margaret and Margeaux/ Margot which also mean pearl). Going into this journey we knew it would be a long hard road. We expected disappointments and trials. We expected cost. What I did not expect was the loneliness. Even surrounded by fellow adopting/ adopted families there is no way to share this with anyone. Even between the two of us, we are experiencing this journey in our own ways.

I've seen about 32,458 articles this week pop up on my various news feeds about Saying YES! Being brave! jumping in! care for the orphans! If not you then who?! And you know what? If article 32,459 pops up I just might scream. I might throw my phone out the window. Or flush it. Or just look at it and cry. Because you know what? {we. have. said. yes.} So these articles make me wonder if HOW you say yes matters. I often wonder if I accidentally said ours in mandarin, or martian. It has been 9 months since we submitted our first application. 18 since we first "requested information". 9 years since I married a man who I knew would adopt one day. The reality is, even when God has our yes, his answer might be no if our yes is from a selfish place. Let me be clear. This is HIS story. Our yes might matter, but our submission to his will matters more. Our pearl is NOT our daughter. And that sentence right there is where the lonely lies. We want so badly as humans to be a part of something bigger. We love nothing more than a flash mob, or a box office smash hit, or a  reality show we can talk about with everyone in the office tomorrow. Community matters, and so does joining in on the fun. With pregnancy you automatically enter the belly club. You get to joke about who groped the belly that day and how many grandmothers gave you unsolicited advice. I'd give anything for some random lady to grab me by the shoulders and tell me what to expect from this adoption. I'd give anything for ANYONE to tell me what to expect. The unknown is scary and this is by far the foggiest cliff we have ever stood on. We believe that God hears our prayers. We BELIEVE that our father loves adoption. We BELIEVE that he places the lonely in families. We HOPE that we are one of them. Our pearl, must remain HIS story. Our Pearl MUST remain HIS glory. Our Hope lies in his character and promises.  Hebrews teaches on this anchoring of our hope.

The Certainty of God’s Promise

13For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, 14saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” 15And thus Abraham,^b having patiently waited, obtained the promise. 16For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. 17So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, 18so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. 19We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, 20where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.

Monday we will attend another interest meeting with another agency. This one will open us up to the possibility of pursuing adoption from the foster/foster adopt angle. I'll be super honest. This scares the boogers out of me. Talk about treasure I don't want to give up. Security, simplicity, avoidance of government agencies, naming our daughter the name she will be called from birth, knowing the birth mom, or at least the possibility of it, baby showers, a big coming home spectacular, a promise that the baby we bring home would most likely stay. Even the bringing home of a baby. These are all treasures we would likely need to lay down. BUT we are beginning to feel that our "yes" looks more like multiple options. Our anchor is God's character~ His promise to go before us while we wait. It is in remembering what our pearl is that we stay focused, and feel a little less lonely.

** clarification: we are not ending our journey with our original agency. They encouraged us from the beginning to pursue adoption in any and all ways we want to. This is just acting on that encouragement. I'm actually making appointments for some dr notes and filling out some additional paperwork for "agency a" right now. **

On Another's Sorrow

This weekend was FULL. We had our second garage sale fundraiser for the adoption and raised just shy of 1000$ to go towards our adoption expenses. We are so grateful for everyone who donated items, helped us sort and set up, and then everyone who shopped. I was so blessed to meet two adoptive mamas ( one who adopted from our agency ! ) and also a grown adopted daughter. These sweet connections encouraged us and gave us some much needed motivation to get through our last few bits of paper work.

Along with the garage sale we hosted my little sister ( who is almost 13) for the weekend. She is fun and active and is in crutches at the moment. We had a sweet time hanging out and even found a chance to venture out to see Rio 2. I also enjoyed trying out 4 kids and was pleasantly surprised that the chaos didn't feel any more chaotic! Woo-hoo! Hope!

This weekend was also a weekend of tenderness. We have always been blessed, every city we have lived in, by friendships with families who grieve. And I say blessed because I have learned more about our Father God through friendships with parents and families who have lost children than I otherwise would have. There is a depth of understanding of his grace and mercy when a mother or father who has experienced that loss looks you in the face and tells you it is true. Here in this town in this moment, this was a heavy weekend of memory as we as a congregation remembered a sweet little boy I will one day meet in heaven. His mama, and other women I deeply care for and respect have heavy hearts this week as it is an ebenezer of the day he began his journey home. I do not usually shy away from these moments as they arise, but as humans we have our own grief, and grief triggers grief. So Thursday and Friday nights were long nights of hard dreams. The ones where people visit. The ones you don't want to wake up from. And so we wonder. How do we, people living our busy lives with adoptions and fundraisers and children and events, share in the sorrow of another? How can we carry the grief of our friends? How do we enter in to their sorrow when the reality is that our sinful selves are incapable of true empathy. I'm comforted that this is not a new question. William Blake wrote of this in his Songs of Innocence (1790's) in "Sorrow of another." His answer to grieving with each other? Our Father in heaven grieves too. We do not carry each others burdens alone. He carries mine. He carries yours. He carries what I carry for you. He weeps with us. "Till our grief is fled and gone, He doth sit by us and moan."

William Blake
Sorrow of Another

Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child
Weep, nor be with sorrow filled?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan, an infant fear?
No, no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

And can He who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear -

And not sit beside the nest,
Pouring pity in their breast,
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear?

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O no! never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

He doth give His joy to all:
He becomes an infant small,
He becomes a man of woe,
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh,
And thy Maker is not by:
Think not thou canst weep a tear,
And thy Maker is not near.

O He gives to us His joy,
That our grief He may destroy:
Till our grief is fled and gone
He doth sit by us and moan.

And all the mommies say "oopsie"

So today was a generally great day. A friend mentioned last night that today is national waffle day. So my husband, who is practicing being the opposite of harsh {thanks to a great sermon} woke up early and cooked so I could wake up to waffles. Then we had a friend come play so Silas was entertained for free. This afternoon I connected with my next Noonday hostess and was encouraged and reminded why I do what I do. Ayden had his first solo and ensemble competition, which did my music mama's heart good. But then  IT happened. The big ole moment. Balin, my sweet six year old,  came flying through the room on his tippy toes, Happy as a clam. He snuggled in for a hug and said this " I'm SO glad the adoption is happening this weekend!!!"  {cue the sound of screeching tires}. 

                      Say what? 

My darling one. My sensitive sweet boy who every. Single. Night. Prays for his future sister. Who every. Single. Sunday. Asks his class at church to pray for the adoption, has heard us talking about a trip this weekend to our agency and misunderstood our agency orientation as our actual placement. As I told him his error he wept. Big ole weepy tears. {with plenty of snot}. He was so sad that we would be going away and returning with NOBODY. Especially not a sweet somebody wrapped in pink. 

 So this mama of three homegrown who's expecting an import needs to know... HOW MUCH do you tell the kiddoes? I kinda feel my error here was in not telling him enough. He didn't understand and the reality is that even though we have pink shoes and a cradle and clothes are starting to find their way into "her" closet... This could be a long wait. And I have not adequately prepared his tender heart for that. I wonder if I've even prepared my own. Hopefully we will get through that wait together. 

Very special photos for a very special book

 Four years ago, the first time we lived in this little ole college town, we were members at a sweet little church (that's not so little anymore!) and were introduced to a music leader/photographer name Ryan Price. I instantly connected with his photography and grasp of light and human nature. When Silas was born I hoped to have him take our newborn pictures, but Lucas got his job in Victoria and our newborn days flew swiftly and photos were not taken by anyone but mama. In the meantime, I've stalked his website and instagram page, lamenting that I had never heard of him before my own wedding photos. {I've got plans for redeeming that by the way... see you in a year or two!} Anyways... While we were off in smallville Ryan adopted his own son and continued capturing incredible photos of some of our mutual friends who also adopted. Naturally, when we started planning our adoption and the need for some fresh and current family shots Ryan Price was the ONLY name that came to mind.  You see, these are more than just shots. The goal of this session was so much more than finding the perfect image to hang above the fireplace. These photos will be part of the most important "Hello" of our lives. Hopefully,  In the coming year, or possibly months, a scared but BRAVE mama will receive a stack of books put together by ourselves and other hopeful parents. She will use these books full of images and letters and information to begin a conversation, one that will end with her placing her baby in the arms of another mama. I am fully aware of the responsibility and importance that lies underneath the "pretty" of these pictures. READ: this is not a sales pitch. We are not marketing ourselves. These gorgeous shots will be layered in our book with many other not so gorgeous shots. But ultimately, I love what Ryan was able to capture, even with a three year old who acted LIKE A THREE YEAR OLD and threw a tantrum complete with tears for 90% of the session. These pictures somehow show US, maybe not the friday night after pizza floor covered in toys us, but definitely the US that words have trouble conveying. Here are a few of my favorites and how I hope she might see them... 

She will see that I'm a baker

but maybe she will taste the sweetness

                                                                             

She will see that we mess around

but maybe she'll know we never let each other fall

She will see that we like books

or maybe she will feel her daughter's story could be with us

She will see flowers

or maybe understand this husband loves his wife well

She will see a family that fits together

But maybe she will feel we have space for one more

 Thank you Ryan for sharing your gift with us. If you need a photographer locally or are planning a wedding and are willing to fly him out click the photo in the sidebar and check him out. Start with his blog. You wont regret it.

the stamp that changed it all

             Usually, life changing events are loud and apparent; the wails of a newborn baby, the rush of paparazzi after an event, the honking of horns, fanfare. Sometimes, these moments are silent. I have no news, and tons of news. Nothing to tell you and everything. This week we officially mailed in our "official" adoption application.  On Tuesday morning my sweet husband stuck a stamp on that prayed over envelope and handed it over to the post office. I'm excited to share (finally) and publically (go ahead and chat on facebook now ;-) ) that we ARE pursuing a domestic open adoption of a baby girl.  Now that the application is out of our hands we get ready for the next step.. whatever that may be. I wish I had a checklist already and real evidence to show you that we are now expecting our baby girl, but I don't. First, we have to be officially accepted ;-). And then there's an orientation, and a life book, and a long wait. And then there's a mama to be who has to pick us, choose US to raise her baby. This could happen this year, or next year or never. We believe it will happen. We believe someday we look back and say this was the week it began. If this adoption were to be compared to a hike up mount Everest, we are not even to Nepal! Nope, we've just walked into REI to start filling our cart with gear. This will definitely be an amazing journey and we have so much to learn. Our hearts are all ready for a baby sister (except for Silas who insists he already has a baby sister named Cora who is a friend at church).  We love her, we want her, so now we pursue her.
              Today is sex trafficking awareness day. My heart is stilled for all of the stolen daughters on this planet. There are more slaves today than any time in history. These were babies held by mothers. Who loves them now? Who pursues them today? When I was pregnant with my firstborn, young and terrified, I had a pedicure done. The young woman wistfully told me in very broken English that she had left her baby girl home, on the other side of the world, with her mother so she could come to the US [scrub filthy feet in a filthy mall} and earn a living to support her. A mothers love knows no distance. Take a moment today to consider modern slavery. Take a moment to pray for the forgotten daughters, the ones we too often forget.

At the masters feet

We have a busy day today. But not in the usual busy way. We have an invitation to come and sit and listen at a banquet that I fear will change our lives. It's only a dinner- a fundraiser- an informational. It's only one night, but this conversation is one that we have needed to begin, and these people, our inviters, are who we need to ask the hard questions. They have paved a road we want to walk but first we must come, and sit. To listen. 

When we speak of Martha and Mary and we hear The Lord tell Martha that Mary has chosen the better portion, I wonder if Mary had come in a different way, would he have said the same? If Mary came distracted, if she came with an agenda, if she came with her own plans, if she came in protest ready to argue, if she came unfocused - doodling in the sand, if she came to hide a problem, if she came to avoid her duties- to get out of that chore- would he have said the same? Because our father, the one who made the stars, he knows our secrets. He knows our reasons. Mary came to worship. She came to adore, to enter in to his goodness, to sit at his feet and listen.  As we sort out our busy, make priorities and try to make sense of this crazy busy world, we have to start with our crazy busy heart. Our idol filled, broken and distracted secret place. We have to come to his feet to hear, not to hide, or plan, or protest. He does not get us out of our duties, he is our duty and our joy. We must come, not as a pet on a pillow taking opportunity of a  comfortable moment, but as a woman in love with her maker. A woman ready to set it all aside to listen. To hear. 

"Just as I am, though tossed about

With many a conflict, with many a doubt

Fightings and fears within, without, O lamb of God, I come,  I come."

Simply: Adoption {And the Winner Is!}

Congratulations to Heather G. on winning the first ever Meme Simply giveaway! I am so blessed by the support of so many of you as we came together and had a very successful My Thirty One party. Each and every one of you should know how grateful I am that you were willing to support someone you have never met, just because I asked. What it really means is that God has given you a spark in your heart for his people, for ALL of his people. Especially the tiny helpless ones. This sweet babe has a wonderful future ahead of her! I can not wait till she is home in her Mama's arms and I can share that with you all! Until then, keep shopping ;-) (feel free to join any open party on Dawn's site) and more importantly, keep praying! Pray for the paper work, pray for the government agencies in both China and America. Pray for policy makers that will make decisions that both protect the integrity of international adoption AND make adoption a swifter process. Pray for The Haas family as they wait. Pray for the brothers, that God will prepare their hearts to welcome a new little sister. Pray for Jessa, the precious child that God so tenderly told Dawn that He Sees.

Since I can't share sweet Jessa's picture with you, I'll share one of my favorite china adoptee during her gotcha trip with my beautiful sister. My precious niece Mei Mei. Thank you for being a part of this journey, for being connected on that red thread the Chinese saying talks about  "An invisible red thread connects those destined to meet, regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but never breaks."

Simply: Adoption FINAL CALL

I will be closing our fundraiser out tomorrow afternoon. You have until 8pm tomorrow for your order to count towards the giveaway! If you were on the fence on choosing an item, go for it now! Times a wastin' :-)! I have loved herearing what you have chosen.

There is some big news on the Haas adoption front and Dawn finally gave me permission to share it with you!! This week Matt and Dawn accepted a referral!! This means that they have accepted a baby and made official steps to claim her as their own. They have also given her a name, a beautiful name! 8 month old Jessa Jaelle will join the Haas family in (God willing) less than 6 months! Praise him from whom all blessings flow!

This, I might add, makes fundraising even more urgent... so go for it.... snag that organizer tote you've been eyeing!

Giveaway countdown 5 days left!

There are five days left and even though the comments section here is kinda quiet. (Ahem) theres is some activity happening on my facebook page. So today, I thought I would jump in and help get you excited about My Thirty One! I myself tend to become like a porcupine when a friend announces shes starting a home buisness. I mean, really. everyone sells something, and I have been burned so many times with friendships turned into constant sales pitches. I would not be doing this giveaway unless I personally knew that A. the money is going to a very very very good cause and B. the product is actually worth buying! I've been noticing Thirty One bags everywhere lately. A friend in Balins preschool class has the organizer tote, and a woman at walmart had a bag in the same print I've ordered! SOO Cute! So Come, on! Join the fun and be a part of a sweet baby girls life story!

I made an order too :-). With soccer season upon us, and three trips a week to the soggy soccer field with ALL three kids in tow I needed a way to keep team snacks, balls, activities for the littles, my purse, drinks and everything else all together. Getting in and out of the van can be chaos. So I ordered the large utility tote in the windsor bouquet print. I personalized it with our family name in a bright turquoise. Because this is a special occasion I used the rest of my personal allowance to order the about town blanket and a matching soft wallet too! Get this- the blanket is lined with a waterproof nylon backing so those sweet little bums can watch their brother without getting soggy!

Another great idea is to shop for what you will be shopping for anyway! Easter is right around the corner! The mini utility bin is only 8$ with a 31$ purchase. At 10x8x8 it is a perfect size to pack goodies from the easter bunny, and then perfect for storing toys or art supplies once all that chocolate is gone!

Mothers day is also right around the corner! Gift certificates are available! These would also make great teacher gifts! So have fun, get creative, and remember this is all in the name of bringing a precious baby home to her forever family

Simply:: Adoption {Haas Part 3}

Yesterday I told you about my sweet friends business and her efforts to earn the money to pay for the expenses involved in adopting her little girl from China. Today I ask you to join in the shopping fun and enter to win a little something for yourself....
Its Giveaway Time!!

I am so excited to be bringing you the first ever Meme Simply Giveaway! I've wanted to do one for a while, but wasn't sure what to give! I was working on some projects for my Etsy site that is empty and on long term holiday. I love working with felt and made some adorable coffee sleeves. They make awesome teacher gifts or perfect take to a friend with their coffee treat. They fit any size or brand coffee "to go" cup, hot or cold. I specifically made these Ladybug sleeves with adoption on the brain. Chinese baby girls are often symbolized with lady bugs. The winner of the giveaway will receive a coordinated set of two ladybug coffee sleeves and a $10.00 Starbucks gift Card!

Entry is easy! Any of the following will earn you an entry (or entries)!
1. follow my blog. I do this not to gain a longer list of readers, but in hopes that others who see who you follow will hop on over and join the fun. Every follower I have is automatically entered. (1 entry)
2. Share this post on facebook or twitter (let me know you did!) (1 entry per media site!)
4. Share about this fundraiser on your blog (tell me how you did!) (2 entries)
3. Go to www.mythirtyone.com/dawnhaas and browse the catalog! Come back here and tell me what your favorite item is! (1 entry)
4. BUY SOMETHING (5 entries)
5. Host your own online My Thirty One party! (If you live in northern Colorado you can have one in person ) (signing up to host will earn you 5 entries. contact me @ memesimply@gmail.com for details)

You can enter any way or ways you want! I will be selecting the winner Saturday March 10th at 9:00 pm. Drawing will be done by the young child reaching into a hat method. PLEASE help us get the word out and bring this baby girl home! If you want to help the Haas family financially but do not want to shop from this website, you MAY send them a donation directly. Contact me at memesimply@gmail.com for the address.

Thank you so much for your help!

Simply:: adoption {Haas part 2}

When we arrived in Colroado this past Christmas I was not sure what to expect. It had been years since I had last visited and my friendships had gone a little quiet. There had been no falling outs or tough endings, just the silence that occurs when one moves accross the country.. and then moves again.. and then moves again...and then moves again.  We had arranged to stay a couple of nights with one of my college roommates and then planned a play date the next morning with another, and some other much missed friends. As my husband and I made the drive into Ft. collins I quickly became overwhelmed. Every street, every corner looked different... and yet every building seemed to hold memories tied directly into my heart. Good Bad and Ugly. Before I could stop it there were tears. And then we got there and there She was, my sweet friend. And there were more tears. To be reunited feels so good. Sometimes its a little painful too. Dawn and I  might be missing the day to day memories that friendships who dont have to battle a country wide gap do not, but I still know this girl. I know her because I know her heart for Jesus. I love knowing where she was, and seeing where she is now.

I remember when Matt first started coming around our house in college. He liked to bring his lawn mower over and take care of our yard, which happened to be just outside her window. I wont comment on the fact that he often did this while I was trying to nap. I watched him patiently pursue her, bringing flowers and making sweet gestures constantly. I remember his infectious laugh filling our girls house (where 5 of us lived for two years). I remember when I was in the hospital having Ayden that his family provided food for all of the crowd that had gathered to await my sweet ones birth. A family serving someone they had never even met. It was not always easy, but I remember in those early days watching Dawn seek the Lord as she waited for His answer to their love story.  I love getting to see where Matt has faithfully led Dawn. Their life has not been problem free. His job is weather dependent, and their second baby was born very premature, but through it all they have held on to each other and more importantly to the Cross. When we joined them in their home for a meal during our vacation, you could physically touch the love in their home. It was palpable, real, and joyful. The baby who comes home to them will be so loved. I can not wait to see how she completes their precious family. I am so excited to watch as God continues to weave their beautiful story.

Would you like to be a thread in that story?

 Starting tomorrow, March 1st I am happy to announce that I will be hosting an online fundraiser for Dawn and Matt and baby "Jessa". Jessa is a name God gave Dawn a while ago as she prays for her daughter. While I was there we looked up its meaning. Hebrew for God Sees. You can't make that up friends! God is watching this little girl and has always planned for her to be in their arms.

 Dawn has been working very dilligently on a My Thirty One home buisness. All of her income is going straight  towards bringing this baby home. Starting tomorrow I will be hosting an online party in which you can make purchases from the very cool  mythirtyone catalog and have a direct hand in bringing this child home. Adoption is expensive. No way around that. Did you know even a pivate american adoption can cost nearly $30,000?  Adoption takes money friends. No matter where the baby comes from. I only say this because I think there is a lot of misundersatanding out there that people think international adoption is somehow buying a baby. This is not the time to clarify that, but I wanted to be sure to tell you that this family is as honest as they get. They live in a home that Matt saved dilligently all through college to make a down payment on. They live simply and not extravegantly and are adopting because they feel called to do it, and desire to adopt.. not just get a baby by any means necessary. Dawn and Matt are pursing the adoption of a special needs child. This could mean a whole lot, or a whole little, but it means something. Their child will need specialized medical care when it comes home. Care that costs money. They still need to raise, save and earn nearly $15,000. They are open and honest and are happy to accept help. God will provide for this need as he has their entire marriage. He is El Roi, the God who Sees.  So here is where you come in. Starting tomorrow my party on Dawn's website will be open. All you do is shop. :-) Items start at 2$ for a nail file and go up from there. To sweeten the deal I AM HOSTING MY FIRST EVER GIVEAWAY!  Tune in tomorrow for entry details. LETS GET SHOPPING!

Simply::adoption {Haas part 1}

1999

I'm struggling to even begin this post. I don't know where to begin because there is so much I want to share. I think we should start at the beginning. The year; 1999. The place; Denver Colorado. I was a recent high school graduate and my father a recent transferee at work.We spent the summer in his corporate apartment and then moved my parents into their new house in the Denver suburbs. It was a rotten summer. To be fair, my parents did everything they could to help me, but I was in between high school and college and thought I had left everything I loved behind.
Towards the end of the summer I got my letter from school telling me my roommate assignment. I don't know if I had ever been as nervous to open a piece of paper in my life to that point. I was terrified. What if she was crazy? What if she snored? What if she partied? what if... oh my goodness, heaven forbid.. What if she was a cheerleader? Looking back I laugh at myself knowing what God planned, but at the time it was difficult to see past the nose on my face. Looking at the interest sheet the school sent me I noticed that she had noted, just as I had, that she was a Christian. Her name was Dawn (aren't all cheerleaders named Dawn?) but I somehow got the nerve up to call her and we had a great first conversation. We immediately seemed to get along well and when we met at welcome weekend I immediately knew that things would work out great.

1999, before a Rams game

2000, one of many late night ice cream runs
Who needs a man when you have Ben and Jerry's?

When people ask me what to pray for as they enter college, or their child does... I say pray for a Dawn. Pray for the roommate you need. Pray for who will push you, and grow you, and love you. That first day of college is one of those "I'll always remember what I was wearing" kind of days (khaki cargo skirt and Hawaiian shirt). After moving in and kicking our parents out we headed out for welcome week activities. Unlike Texas schools where welcome week is all about the brain washing (just kidding... or am I....) loyalty building, school spirit initiation, ours was more of a Greek week "join us!" kind of deal, so she called a friend from home who was an older student and we bailed. We ate walrus Ice cream. My life was changed.
Later that night I would get a phone call from my mother telling me that my brother in laws sister, just a few years older than I, had died in a car accident. Dawn let me cry and didn't act like it was craziness to be helping your brand new roommate grieve. This was only the beginning. We spent the year celebrating highs and lows, connected in ways that only God could have ordained. We both came into our freshman year with high school sweethearts back at home. We both left the year without without them. We hilariously choreographed nsync dance numbers and preformed them nightly. We practiced walking down the aisle, aka, the dorm hallway to Jim Brickman music. (I have to admit here that when it came time to plan my own wedding I did use ALL Jim Brickman music for my entire ceremony, I LOVED it). We had one of those friendships that was just so special. Anne Voskamp wrote this week of a beautiful friendship turned sour. I cant tell you how many times sour pickles were thrown at our friendship. We've had years pass with near silence. But this Christmas I got to go see her, share a morning playing with our kids and then that evening share a meal with her and her husband. It felt like nothing had changed between our hearts. The day to day details were missing, but THANKS to facebook and blog land we at least had some understanding of the details of each others lives. A detail that I was not prepared for... Adoption. The same friend I shared history classes, biology lab, broken hearts, secret nicknames,a love for memory keeping, a love for Jesus.... God has also given us the same heart for adoption. For his lost ones. For a daughter. I had no idea how far in to her adoption she was though. "Ready to receive referrals" what? already? I had been so focused on Becky and Briggs and thinking the trip this Christmas was to celebrate our Ethiopian Prince that i was not prepared to realize that a Chinese Princess was about to be claimed! My heart jumps just thinking about it! So soon, within weeks hopefully, Dawn and her husband Matt will be accepting a referral. A child. They will claim a child as theirs and submit paperwork formally to China requesting that they be given the privilege of raising her. The joy of bringing her home. I am so excited, and since Dawn does not blog I get to bring this to you! I got to sing at her wedding, but for some reason i feel even more honored to be a part of this. In the next few days I'll be sharing lots more about my sweet friend and letting you in on an easy and fun way you can help be a part of her story too! So come back soon!! You won't want to miss this!

2011

2011

A reason to go

It had been six years. Six very long years since I have been to Colorado. There was a layover once, where my amazing friends met me at the airport so we could meet each other's babes, but other than that six years have passed since my husband and I took our then only child to Colorado for his aunts wedding. The reasons we have not returned are plentiful. Babies in womb. Babies in arm. Lay offs. New jobs. No vacation time. Funerals using up any extra travel money we may have had. This year though those reasons became fewer and the reasons to go became abundant. A four year old who has never seen snow so he starts making up weird stories about it. Like it exists only as a fantasy. An eight year old who I desperately need to understand when he tries to tell me about his other life. Children and husbands of dear friends who I know only from facebook statuses. A long awaited first paid vacation... ON Christmas Day. But friends... what really moved my tamale laden self to drive 20 hours against the odds of an ice storm, cranky children, and graham cracker coated mini van seats? This little dude. And the years of prayer I've prayed over him.

He was as uh-mazing as I imagined. Feisty, sweet and chill all rolled up into the cutest little self. He played a bit with my boys, but mostly looked at me with complete suspicion. Who would blame him? I am quite intimidating after all ;-). I gave him a stuffed longhorn (only for the Texas reference people.. not the school!!) to break the ice. Just like my 1 year old he looked and then thew it down. No really.It was a classic I don't know you and I don't want your stuff toddler reaction. Perfectly adorable and I expected no different! I couldn't care less how he responded to me. It was complete selfishness motivating my visit. When you pray for rain for months, and the sweetness falls from the sky, what do you do? You run out into it and dance! Or stare from the window and weep. Or drive across state lines just to sit. God is good my friends. He delivers the helpless. He cares for the orphan. Each little life, from the moment of conception matters to Him... and he provides. For Briggs, he provided Becky and Mark... and the rest of their large, loving and happy to have  him home family. 

For Briggs this was the answer. It wont be the same for all of them,the nearly 400 million orphans in this world, but seeing Briggs answered a big question for my husband and I. We have arms. And they are waiting to be filled. Even if every old lady at walmart thinks my hands are full. I have room for another. For a daughter. And I want her. So I'm praying. It could be years people. Many many many years, but we're ok with that. Because we saw the proof. The same proof I see in my little sister. In my niece. No matter how God does it, I know it will happen. Adoption is a miracle, and ours is beginning. If only in our hearts. I wonder sometimes, how it happens. That amazing connection I hear adopting parents speak of. The immediate love. How in four months a little boy can go from an orphanage in Ethiopia to falling asleep holding his Mommy's hand in the back of my mini van. Complete trust. Complete love.  Complete redemption. A baby born in a manger. A miracle. Complete. This has been an amazing Christmas. There is much more to share, but for now, another shot of the perfection that is Mr. Briggs. You can tell how much he adores me, right? That's alright buddy. I'm perfectly fine loving you from afar!

Dreaming in Pink

I doubt that the Author of THIS article had any idia that I would read it last night, burst into ugly cry and, completely unable to form words, throw my phone at my husband. The article, if you did not read it, is about a city in India that hosted a name changing event for over 200 girls. Why? because their given names mean "unwanted." My stomach drops and a lump forms in my throat as I type this.Anger and a deep sorrow grab me. I spent so much time in prayer over my babies names. I wanted their names to mean something. To have value. Ayden: literally means Fire- i wanted him to have strength where I did not,  Balin: the name of a knight Silas: a strong worshiper.  I have a list of "extra" names that did not make the cut. None of which are "unwanted". I know that I live in a different culture. I understand that in America to have children is so much cheaper and easier than in other countries. I get that. I get that they are lost. But my soul aches knowing that there are so many girls being named unwanted. And I wont even go into, in this bog post, the number of girls murdered before they even have the chance to be named. Why did this article hit me so hard? Because They are all wanted. Our King wants them all, and I specifically want a daughter. I know that to many, especially my dear treasured friends wh struggle with infertility, my desire for a fourth child might seem selfish. crude. insensitive. But I can't deny it. A pair of ballet slippers at academy and a picture in a Hannah Andersson magazine have also sent me into tears. I dream, literally, of baby girls being handed to me. This is not a new desire. And, just as it was so long ago, adoption still feels so far away. But I'm putting it out there. I WANT YOU baby girl. Wherever you are and whoever begets you. I'm praying for you today. I'm praying for your birth mother. I am praying that Jesus comes before I meet you, but if he doesn't I will be there. I will want you. And I will give you a name you can be proud of. But greater than any name I can give- Our Jesus values names as well. In revelation 2:17 we are told "To him who overcomes, I will give some of the hidden manna. I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it." He will give you a name sweet one. To all these girls in India I pray that you meet Him. I pray that you will know His perfect name for you. A name so far away from "unwanted."