Settling

We officially opened out last box today. All the boxes are OUT of the house. Most items are at least somewhere close to where they need to be. This house has some great details. The overall feel is exactly our personality. The master bathroom is amazing ( as amazing as you can get in this price range). BUT there are some issues. We had walk in closets before- in every bedroom. This house has none. All the closets are shallow. The extra space is a fourth room which is great because we have an office now, but it has definitely been a challenge finding a spot for everything. The linen closet is holding all of my china and extra appliances. The little boys dresser ( my moms when she was a little girl) is now serving double duty as a dining room buffet. There is a stack of extra blankets and comforters that have no where to live. I'm sure eventually I'll get all this stuff into places, but then what? We signed a 9 month lease. The owners want to get this house SOLD. In six months I have to be willing to let house be shown. Option "a" is to buy it ourselves. Which is completely doable. Option "b" is to buy something else. I like the idea of knowing what we are getting. But at the same time I wonder is there something better? The very thought of moving again makes me want to punch my own face. My wrists are swollen and fingers all carpal tunnely numb. I have cardboard paper cuts in between many of my fingers. But more than that I just want to be settled. I want to not have to question. Where do I live? Decisions have to be made like do we or do we not accept an incredible gift from my parents in my sisters old bunk bed. Is it worth the drama of moving it here just to move it again? Do I buy new curtains or stick with the old? Does it matter if the gate gets repaired? is there room here to adopt a baby girl? Should I buy a second dresser or just stick with plastic tubs? Exhausting. All this effort centered around stuff. It was almost easier when we knew our homes had no potential to be permanent. It is easier to trust God to lead us blindly than when we have our eyes set on our own destination. Maybe instead of house I should be thinking home. Maybe service and budget and space and boys should be More important than curtain color or parking.
I was convicted tonight of being too hard on my boys. I've been mean this week. Yesterday I said something flip to Lucas about not wanting any more children because they all turn five. It was awful. Balin heard and was convinced it meant I did not want him anymore. I've ignored them and set them in front of movies for too long. So tomorrow we start making this house a home. And this time it has nothing to do with boxes and nails and cardboard. It's time I start showing my boys the same kindness and encouragement I show everyone else around me. So if you don't see me on Facebook or on here know I'm busy HOME making.