You see, there was this man. He was a jeweler, a salesman, a trader in fine things. His specialty was pearls. He searched the world for the prettiest, the largest, and the most valuable. Over the years he collected quite a bounty and traded for fine fabrics, tents, sandals and the best carts and ships to assist his journeys. Then one day, after years of hunting, there in the middle of a crowded marketplace he found her. A beautiful, perfect pearl that was so glorious and unique he had to make it his. But the price? Too high. So he went home and without a second thought gathered every beautiful piece of his collection and sold it all. He took the money and returned to that pearl, which he bought at a great price. While I've imagined the circumstances, Jesus gives us this example as an example of the kingdom of heaven in Matthew 15. It is worth giving up everything we have to attain. There is nothing we possess that compares to the Glory of God.
We have long associated this pursuit with our pursuit of our daughter. I found a journal entry to our "Lulu" a name that means pearl from 2011. (Other names we have considered over the years are Margaret and Margeaux/ Margot which also mean pearl). Going into this journey we knew it would be a long hard road. We expected disappointments and trials. We expected cost. What I did not expect was the loneliness. Even surrounded by fellow adopting/ adopted families there is no way to share this with anyone. Even between the two of us, we are experiencing this journey in our own ways.
I've seen about 32,458 articles this week pop up on my various news feeds about Saying YES! Being brave! jumping in! care for the orphans! If not you then who?! And you know what? If article 32,459 pops up I just might scream. I might throw my phone out the window. Or flush it. Or just look at it and cry. Because you know what? {we. have. said. yes.} So these articles make me wonder if HOW you say yes matters. I often wonder if I accidentally said ours in mandarin, or martian. It has been 9 months since we submitted our first application. 18 since we first "requested information". 9 years since I married a man who I knew would adopt one day. The reality is, even when God has our yes, his answer might be no if our yes is from a selfish place. Let me be clear. This is HIS story. Our yes might matter, but our submission to his will matters more. Our pearl is NOT our daughter. And that sentence right there is where the lonely lies. We want so badly as humans to be a part of something bigger. We love nothing more than a flash mob, or a box office smash hit, or a reality show we can talk about with everyone in the office tomorrow. Community matters, and so does joining in on the fun. With pregnancy you automatically enter the belly club. You get to joke about who groped the belly that day and how many grandmothers gave you unsolicited advice. I'd give anything for some random lady to grab me by the shoulders and tell me what to expect from this adoption. I'd give anything for ANYONE to tell me what to expect. The unknown is scary and this is by far the foggiest cliff we have ever stood on. We believe that God hears our prayers. We BELIEVE that our father loves adoption. We BELIEVE that he places the lonely in families. We HOPE that we are one of them. Our pearl, must remain HIS story. Our Pearl MUST remain HIS glory. Our Hope lies in his character and promises. Hebrews teaches on this anchoring of our hope.
The Certainty of God’s Promise
13For when God made a promise to Abraham, since he had no one greater by whom to swear, he swore by himself, 14saying, “Surely I will bless you and multiply you.” 15And thus Abraham,b having patiently waited, obtained the promise. 16For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. 17So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, 18so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. 19We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain, 20where Jesus has gone as a forerunner on our behalf, having become a high priest forever after the order of Melchizedek.
Monday we will attend another interest meeting with another agency. This one will open us up to the possibility of pursuing adoption from the foster/foster adopt angle. I'll be super honest. This scares the boogers out of me. Talk about treasure I don't want to give up. Security, simplicity, avoidance of government agencies, naming our daughter the name she will be called from birth, knowing the birth mom, or at least the possibility of it, baby showers, a big coming home spectacular, a promise that the baby we bring home would most likely stay. Even the bringing home of a baby. These are all treasures we would likely need to lay down. BUT we are beginning to feel that our "yes" looks more like multiple options. Our anchor is God's character~ His promise to go before us while we wait. It is in remembering what our pearl is that we stay focused, and feel a little less lonely.
** clarification: we are not ending our journey with our original agency. They encouraged us from the beginning to pursue adoption in any and all ways we want to. This is just acting on that encouragement. I'm actually making appointments for some dr notes and filling out some additional paperwork for "agency a" right now. **
